What's in a name? Well, it depends!

  • Ladyslippers sound like the perfect wedding/christening flower — until you look them up on Wikipedia and see they appear to have varicose veins and a nasty case of the herp.
  • The Swedish supermodel/gymnast you watch buy a soy chai every morning as you loiter at Starbucks is drained of all sex appeal when you learn her first name is Roger.
  • Personifying my nether regions (“How is she feeling today?) and calling it something other than pussy/ma'am/boss will result in a not-so-subtle eye roll and a one-way ticket out of my vagina.

    • Our society is all about sweeping things under rugs, putting lipstick on pigs, and pretending our armpits (or should I say “underarms”) don't smell by spraying something smellier on top of them.

    So naturally we refer to our special places using secret code terminology — 'cuz no one will know we're talking about a cock if we call it a rod!

    Pussy and cunt are a-OK vagina pseudonyms for many women these days — especially among the femme-y progressive chicks — but there is a slew of alternatives ranging from cutesy to deplorable.

    The dude who used to be the best sex of my life (sorry dear, you've been bumped) loved to set up booty calls and check in with my vagina me via text message every week.

    The morning after one of our late/all-night sessions, I heard my phone buzz, so I put down my triple Americano so I could focus on the goods.

    It read: “How's your kitty?”

    There was no way in hell Mr. Man was asking about my feline roommates, and before I had a chance to type “WTF?” he sent another:

    “Does she feel good today? Is she hungry?”

    Oh dear god. He's talking about my vagina.

    Now, I wasn't going to play along and start referring to my pussy in the third person. But I also wasn't about to ruin my connection to guaranteed orgasms whenever I asked/demanded.

    So for the next few months I just ignored the commentary and told him to come over and ask “her” himself, which worked every time. That is, until the rest of the nicknames started pouring out.

    And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I present 5 of the worst nicknames ever given to the biological beauty that is the vagina.

    1. Kitty

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    Just say pussy and get on with it.

    2. Meat Wallet

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    A vagina is not a sandwich, and it sure as hell doesn't dispense dollars, so please just eat it and don't speak.

    3. Flower

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    Yeah yeah, we all know about Georgia O'Keeffe and her labial interpretations of the orchid. Stop trying to sound smart.

    4. Little Girl

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    Cunts don't go to school, nor do they wear bows in her hair. Don't make me call the pedobear.

    5. Cum Dump

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    Yeah. This one sort of explains itself.

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