So Coachella weekend 1 sold out milliseconds after its 10 a.m. open sale time today, and weekend 2 will likely be squeezed dry within the next few days. Unexpected? Nope.

But if you're one of the several whose Coachella purchases were thwarted by a day job, shitty Internet connection, or empty wallet, don't fret. We've got 4 pretty fantastic – and definitely provocative – alternatives that are cleaner, cheaper and definitely fucking fun.

1. Masturbate. (Duh.)

But we're not talking just any old jerk or diddle session. There's a way to turn all the music you're missing by not being at Coachella into vibrations powerful enough to make you come again and again.

Check out sex toys that convert beats, rhythms and vocals into various vibe patterns. Our favorite is the original concept developed by OhMiBod.

They've got more than a few to choose from but they all have that special microchip that makes almost any song worthy of self love.

And for those of you who managed to score tickets to Coachella, though we hate you a little we want to recommend picking up a Club Vibe. Wear it in your underwear everywhere you walk and you'll literally FEEL the sounds around you. None of the hipsters/stoners/douches surrounding your dance zone will know you're slowly gyrating your way to an orgasm.

(We've tried it. It works.)

2. Learn How to Squirt

Yes, Angelina. Precisely like that.

Yes, Angelina. Precisely like that.

It's an act highly coveted by men around the world and often baffling and a little creepy for women in the bedroom.

Porn movies have confused the natural release of female ejaculate with gushing streams of clear urine. (Sorry everyone – the steady flow of liquid that those porn stars push out of their vaginas is more often than not the result of chugging a gallon of water an hour before set time.)

But squirting isn't as elusive and/or skillful as many of us might think. It's really all about the G-spot.

Whether you're masturbating or working with a sidekick, all you need is a strong couple of fingers or a nice up-curved dildo to apply pressure on that spongy spot (it feels ridgy like a walnut shell).

Confused? Stick a finger in there and press up as if you're making that “come hither” motion. You'll feel pressure and possibly a sudden urge to pee, but don't worry. You won't. Chances are, if you're already turned on your G-spot will be a bit swollen and easier to find.

Keeping with same pressure, rub it with short strokes as if you're petting a really small, adorable puppy, and with each movement you'll be helping the G-spot (aka urethral sponge) engorge with fluid.

When orgasm happens you will naturally expel the ejaculate resulting in a small amount “squirting” out of you. It won't necessarily happen every time, but we promise that will practice it'll happen.

We speak from experience. Our dry cleaner has become our BFF.

3. Go Shopping.

Depending on your dangly parts, you probably already have a little vibrator or a rabbit, or some kind of lube and a stand-by jerk-off towel. Are they shoved in a bedside table or collecting dust under the bed?


If you've got a little bit of money – but not enough to spend on three days of music and intoxication – why not make a trip to your local adult shop or one of the hundreds of outstanding online stores to pick up some of the good stuff.

Ladies: Get a vibrator that has real power (Japanese motors are the end all be all) and made of something other than cheap plastic. Or if you're in the mood for fulfillment check out the dildo selection and pick one made of silicone, glass or another natural material that'll last for years.

Guys: Check out a Fleshlight or Tenga, or one of those less expensive masturbator sleeves that turn your hand into a vaginal experience. Some of them are throw-aways while others are meant to be washed and reused.

But boys, please do wash them. You can get away with reusing dirty forks and spoons in the sink, but the same can't be said about unclean sex toys.

Maybe pick up a little toy chest or box to keep your new friends in so you can protect them from the bedroom elements. Just a thought.

4. Watch Porn.

Yup. It's here.

Yup. It's here.

Sounds like a cop-out, but we're not telling you to hop on YouPorn and watch 45-second clips of bukkake sessions.

The porn world has grown immensely more appealing with the onset of the parody trend and now you can go online and watch full scenes or (GASP!) the entire film for pretty cheap and not have to find a place to store the DVD later. (Cuz you know you're not gonna watch it again.) is a good spot for the ladies to find some more attractive movies that feature women with more meat on their bones and less plastic in their nalgas, as well as less lame sexual scenarios that will turn you on before you have a chance to criticize the wallpaper or wardrobe choice.

And guys, well, you're pretty much all set wherever you go online. But see what some of these porn directors are doing with the classics you grew up with, the logos and characters of which adorned your PJs, underpants, and locker doors until you graduated. (Hopefully.)

Star Trek. Saved By the Bell. Batman. X-Files. The Munsters. The Big Lebowski. (No really.)

If you need some quick tips, here's TotalFilm's Top 20 list to help you get started.

LA Weekly