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Illustration by Mike Lee


001. Jack Lemmon


002. Ketchup


003. Caviar


004. Kahokia Mounds


005. Arrowheads


006. Zero Percent Financing


007. Ashcroft Satan


008. Ned the Juggling Amoeba-Boy


009. Tracy & the Hindenburg
Ground Crew


010. Urban Elevator Camouflage


011. Factual Evidence


012. Will work for fast-food stamps


013. Receding Airlines


014. Glimpse adjacent car perfect
life cancer


015. Attack of the Pythogenic
Wal-Martians


016. Spandex Burka Bikini Fever


017. Solo Debt Chills


018. Britney Spears:
12 billion


019. Gandhi: 19


020. Rumsfeld Smirksquintmania, Sucka!


021. Give Stephen Colbert more money


022. Satan’s Little
Telemarketers


023. Pandora’s Pizza


024. Kentucky Blue Grass Hair Ball


025. Bunker Buster


026. Cluster Fuck


027. Good Buy


028. Mysterious letter from Arnie Miller


029. Rico Petrocelli/Sandy Koufax
lawn-trimming oblivion


030. Spiro Agnew Memorial Nausea


031. Condoleezza Oil Tanker Logic


032. June Cleans Apartment


033. FDNY


034. NYPD


035. DKNY


036. Body Bag


037. Hessel Park


038. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Collateraldamage


039. We regret to inform you


040. Falwellbutrin


041. Faith-Based Evildoers


042. Jew! Git ’im, boys!


043. God Bless It


044. Gary Conditioning


045. Richard Pryor/Bill Hicks
(Revelations 24:7)


046. Erythrodoxyreciprocation Fees


047. Mail-opening technique


048. Liberal Jew–Run Media


049. Commie Pinko Propagandagasm


050. Small One-Bedroom $FUCK


051. Diamond Mine AIDS


052. Commie Feggit Marine Aquarium


053. (Semper, Semper)


054. Illiterate Font Library


055. Routine Data Base


056. I Love You, Leave


057. ABM Virus


058. Cigar-box sanctions


059. Jesus Tobacco™


060. Landmine Binge


061. Creation Science Gig


062. L. Ron Fictionopoly


063. Chocolate Butterfly Fish


064. God Bless You (wet)


065. Gesundheit (dry)


066. Earthquake


067. Involuntary puppet show


068. Minimum wage: sooner do porn


069. Spy vs. Spy


070. Tahoe Mud


071. Christian of You


072. White of You


073. And then everything was allllll right


074. Osama bin Laden


075. End of Everything, etc.


076. Beginning of Everything Else, etc.


077. Eggs and Sausage


078. Gonorrhea of the Soul, Babe


079. (Applause)


080. Rusty Growls


081. Apocalypse Lite™


082. Steak and Eggs in Fishland


083. Operation Enduring Slogan


084. Flight Econtrails


085. Larry Mantel Overdrive


086. Civilians With Jobs


087. Send something to Earl


088. Mudbone was born in Tupelo


089. The shit fuck with your nervous system


090. Nonscientific Online Survey:
[X] Agree


091. Nonscientific Online Survey:
[X] Disagree


092. Nairobi Trio


093. Ray Dougela’s old man:
Pussy! Pussy!


094. Dottievision™ Landscape


095. Monistic Parepithymia


096. When I grow up I’m gonna live
in a house


097. If I grow up I’ll live in a small
apartment


098. Galeanthropic Tora Bora
Subingression


099. Mugwump Jeffords, thank you


100. Forte staccato two-handed
Turkish gesture


101. Ashcroft weds transsexual porn star Misty Fist; details soon


102. Jeffrey moves to . . . Texas?!


103. Lagavulin 30 percent less
(Trader Joe’s)


104. Chronic tongue depression


105. Undisclosed Dick Cheney
tax-/bomb-shelter


106. Oldest living citizen of Beverly Hills: 39


107. Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson


108. Nonspecific paid celibacy leave


109. Carrot-top outpatient surgery


110. AOL by Allen Ginsberg


111. Dan Quayle’s Afghanistane


112. Multimillionaire Jason Alexander must sell fried chickens


113. Life on a conveyer belt


114. Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-landmine


115. Nice legs, baaaaabe . . .


116. Half-off double-penetration sale


117. Hedonophobic dentiloquist


118. Swimming pools


119. Movie stars


120. The lactose-intolerant hillbillies


121. Methadone patriots/Heroin refugees


122. Compassionate petroleum robots


123. The Death Clock (www.deathclock.com), “the Internet’s friendly reminder that life is
slipping away . . . second by
second.”

LA Weekly