Not all pussy is the same, in case you haven't noticed. The four-legged variety will assuredly take priority over the two-legged any day of the week and if you're a man who owns a mouser, I'm sure you'll agree with me – pussycats rule!

Pet parents, whatever their sex, are particular breeds unto themselves. These people (myself included) view their furry charge the same as children. My kitty kid's name is Mr. Man. That lucky little fella is my living, breathing version of a stuffed animal. He lets me hug and kiss and cry on him; he listens to my every word; doesn't argue, make demands, or judge what I do or say. Mr. loves me unconditionally and will never abandon me.

He's my perfect pint-sized companion and as far as I'm concerned, “Man!” takes priority over the current dick in my bed. At the end of the day, I'll always remember the times [insert douche's name here] wasn't there for me, and Mr. Man was. Note to future guys I'm banging: Don't make me chose between you and my fur-child. You will lose.

You're either a cat person or a dog person. There are other varieties to pick from, but these two groups divide the line. I can tell you from experience, it's hard to date someone who owns a canine when you have a feline, and vice versa. The two don't innately get along, ironically, much like men and women.

Even research leads us to believe the same hypothesis.

In my opinion, it's no coincidence that chicks are drawn to cats and dudes to dogs. My theory is that the sexes seek out the traits and qualities in their species of choice that they're attracted to in the opposite sex. Think about it: men are like cats; they're mysterious, aloof and independent. And females are like dogs: loyal, loving and high maintenance.

Guys: Regardless of your pet preference, or lack thereof, you will surely at some point in your adult life try to bang some lucky lady who has an animal waiting at home for her. Thankfully, I am here to tell you the 11 problems you need to get past to get the girl:

1. Winning them over. Creatures have the best radar; they sense instinctually what we as humans choose to ignore. If her beast doesn't like you it will let you know by biting you, clawing you, or pissing all over your shoes. You may hit it that first night, but forget about repeats.

Those eyes know when you're up to no good.

Those eyes know when you're up to no good.

2. Like to watch. From the door, the floor, the corner of the room, or the edge of the bed; get used to having an audience. In some cases, that's the most action their human parent has gotten in a long time, and they are fascinated. Just try and ignore the fact that it wants to jump in.

3. They will play. Pet toys are nothing compared to your penis. And feathers, bells and balls don't have the same allure as your sack, so keep it covered. It's one thing to crawl in bed with you, and quite another to participate. Be prepared to gently deflect the animal's advances, but please do not kick it to the floor. The same could happen to you.

4. Sleeping in bed. Move over and make room for Fido. You give it, or they'll take it; sharing space is what you signed up for when you decided to spend the night. Every critter has his or her particular spot and you're the outsider because it's in it when you're not.

5. Stopping off quick. When you want to go back to your place and fuck, we need to first feed our cat or walk our dog. Or we want to grab our baby and bring it with us to your house. Just go along with the plan and don't argue. The faster we get done – the faster you get sex.

6. Handle your allergies. You should swallow an antihistamine before coming over if you are allergic to pets. Saying you have issues will just get you a brush off at the end of the night. Taking preventative measures will get you laid.

7. Expect play dates. If you both have hairy offspring, hanging out together is our way of vetting whether or not you're a good father. We will assess our suitability by how you interact with your own kitten or pup, and the way you mediate quarrels within the group.

Don't be afraid to get close, take her dog on a date.

Don't be afraid to get close, take her dog on a date.

8. Bribe with gifts. Use the trick my ex used to pull: After an ugly fight he'd have a case of Fancy Feast delivered to my door, or he'd bring over a bag of toys, or a kitty chaise lounge. Point being, he won over my cat to get back into my good graces, and it worked. Every time.

9. Going on vacation. Traveling with pets is a pain in the ass so most people leave them at home. If left unattended they could destroy the place so you want to be pro-active and make arrangements for either a pet-sitter or pet-hotel. The money is worth not having the worry.

10. Dealing with emergencies. If there is a predicament and you get the call, expect to sit at the vet's office holding your woman's hand for as long as it takes to get through the crisis. Whatever you have planned that day, put it on the back burner. She'll never forget how you were there when she needed you.

11. When it dies. Your girl will mourn for a very long time; it's like losing a child or family member. You need to be supportive and let her cry on your shoulder. Don't tell her to get over it. And don't tell her to get a new one. We can get a new “you” too.

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LA Weekly