1. Secret handshake

2. Annual Thetan Jamboree in Trementina, New Mexico

3. Subterranean passages linking Beck’s house to every Starbucks in the city

4. No one feels it necessary to elect a new Hubbard after the old one’s died.

5. Free airplane rides

6. New members receive secret letter explaining Forest Whitaker’s masochistic involvement in Battlefield Earth.

7. Faster Internet

8. Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond, Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond

9. Scientology’s climactic moment does not involve destruction of the planet.

10. More Hollywood; fewer politicians

Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.

LA Weekly