Wooooooooooo!!!!! You got into the secret show everyone's trying to get into! Moreover, you've muscled and/or flirted your way into the front of crowd. You can smell the stage (among other things). You can look at the soles of your idols' shoes. Except your triumph is being diminished by… The Pit Pests. These helpful, beautifully illustrated descriptions will allow you to quickly identify and avoid potential pit pests who may otherwise ruin your concert experience. You may have already encountered some of these characters:
10. Me. Simply because I will categorize you in one of the aforementioned groups.
9. That one person who has no sense of where their own limbs or body parts are at any given moment. She may have already narrowly missed poking your eye out while she was rabidly pointing at the lead singer OR his head may have already come this close to giving you a bloody nose while he was headbanging.
8. The security guard. How else will you be able to use that camera you smuggled inside the venue??
7. Sweaty bare-chested college guy who was last seen flailing overhead in a failed attempt to crowd surf. He's usually missing one shoe at this point.
6. The baked Indie Rock couple who choose to dry hump with their eyes closed instead of watching the band. Doing that at home just isn't the same, I guess.
5. Guy whose deodorant wore off five hours ago and is now smelling like Mildew Musk. When he bumps into you, you will be instantly saturated.
4. The 7-foot-tall boyfriend. You might as well be standing behind the venue's widest support beam.
3. Short girl with overly protective 7-foot-tall boyfriend forming a cage around her. She's difficult to avoid because you may never know she exists. She may give you a dirty look from time to time, but the real threat is…
2. Drunk dude who looks like he's about to puke before the opening band even hits the stage. Better hope he's not a projectile vomitter.
And for the Number One Person You Love to Hate in the Pit:
1. Crazed psycho-fan who camped outside at 4 A.M. to secure her spot in front of the lead singer who she hopes will one day father her babies. WARNING: If she feels her space is being encroached upon, she will not hesitate to elbow you directly in the ribcage.
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