Etgar Keret

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Loquat: A Short Story

Etgar Keret
Go on, Henri, go talk to them. You’re a gendarme, they’ll listen to you.” I put down my empty coffee cup and moved my feet around under the table, trying to find my slippers. “How many times do I have to explain it to you, Grandma? I’m not a gend......
(Illustration by Dushan Milic)

Short Story: Freeze!

Etgar Keret
Suddenly I could do it. I’d say “Freeze!” and everyone would freeze, just like that, in the middle of the street. Cars, bikes, even those little motor scooters delivery guys use, they’d all stop in their tracks. And I’d walk past them till I found the prettiest girls. I’d tell......
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An Exclusive

Etgar Keret
was knocking down a wall. All women reporters are whores and I was knocking down a wall. It had already been something like four months since she left. At first, I thought all that renovating would calm me down, but actually all it did was just upset me more. The......
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One Hundred Percent

Etgar Keret
I touch her hands, her face, her hair down below, her shirt. And I say to her, “Roni, please take it off, for me.” But she won’t. So I back down and we do it again, touch each other, completely naked, almost. The tag on her shirt says the material......
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Ironclad Rules

Etgar Keret
Illustration by Pamela Jaeger Usually, we don’t kiss around other people. Cecile, with her plunging necklines and fuck-me shoes is actually very shy. And I’m one of those guys who’s always aware of every movement around them, who never manages to forget where they are. But it’s a fact that......

Halibut

Etgar Keret
Illustration by Daniel Peacock Ever since I came back to Israel, everything looks different to me. Smelly, sad, dull. Even those lunches with Ari that used to light up my day are a drag now. He’s going to marry that Nessia of his, today he’s going to surprise me with......

One Kiss on the Mouth in Mombasa

Etgar Keret
Illustration by Ryan Ward For a minute, I got uptight. But she told me to take it easy, I had no reason. She’d marry me, and if it was important, because of our parents, it could even be in a hall. That wasn’t the point. The point was somewhere else......
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Fatso

Etgar Keret
Illustration by Dana Collins Surprised? Of course I was surprised. You go out with a girl. First date, second date, a restaurant here, a movie there, always just matinees. You start sleeping together, the fucks are dynamite, and pretty soon there’s feeling too. And then, one day, she arrives all......

Unconventional Fear

Etgar Keret
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL — I AM WRITING THIS PASSAGE WITH A STIFF neck. I just helped my upstairs neighbor carry a pair of diving cylinders up to his penthouse apartment, and this time my rich combat experience in moving furniture didn't help, and I must have made a wrong move......

Caught in the Currents

Etgar Keret
TEL AVIV, Israel -- Some say that when the cannons roar, the muses fall silent. I have never agreed with this. When the cannons roar, the muses continue to speak in their tender, frail, muted and multifaceted voices -- but who the hell can hear them over the damn shells......