We’re facing a global pandemic that threatens to have a devastating effect on all of our lives for the foreseeable future. Frankly, there’s no reason to make things worse for yourself than they’re already likely to be. So when you’re scouring through Netflix for something trashy, mindless and easy to watch while you’re stuck inside, working hard to avoid depressing talk of the virus and/or the Democratic primaries, FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, don’t watch Love is Blind. We did, and we’re worse off for it.
TV dating games are not new. Of course, The Dating Game and Love Connection are national treasures, and The Bachelor/Bachelorette are heading in that direction. There’s Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker that became Million Dollar Matchmaker, and Joe Millionaire. There’s the celebrity monstrosities Flavor of Love and Rock of Love. And so many more.
They’re all garbage, but in some cases stupidly entertaining garbage (brilliantly lampooned on Saturday Night Live). But Love is Blind is the worst yet.
The premise of the Netflix show is excruciating from the get-go. Initially, a group of men and an equal number of women speed date, but from different rooms. They talk for a bit without seeing each other, then move onto the next person. This goes on for about two episodes. Before long, they’ve all picked a favorite and there’s a bit of drama when two women (star-for-all-the-wrong-reasons Jessica, and Amber) like the same faceless dude (the impossibly dull Barnett) while two dudes (Barnett and what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you Mark) both like Jessica.
Eventually they pair off. And then, after a few more dates behind walls, some of them say “I love you.” For real. Like, “You like shrimp? I like shrimp. We have so much in common. I love you.”
The memes, frankly, have been hilarious and almost make watching the show worth it. Almost. But not really, because each episode is more painful than the last. Eventually, they meet and then, guess what? Some of them like each other and some of them do not. It’s almost like they’re human beings that had never really met before.
Jessica is the star because she’s clearly been handpicked to stir shit up. She’s really unlike any person in the real world. All, and we mean all, of the men on the show are unforgivably boring. Half of them look identical.
The whole thing is an ordeal and here’s the thing — with other dating shows, we are at least manipulated into caring by the end. We sorta, kinda hope the people stay together. But not with this one. By the end, it’s hard to give a shit. They almost made us care about Cameron and Lauren. But no, Cameron is as dull as dishwater too.
The only happy ending is because the ending finally came. But it’s like crack — you can’t stop until it’s over. So please, take note. Don’t start.