Listen, there's no such thing as a good cockblock. Any time you're about to get laid and someone gets in the way, it's going to be hugely unpleasant.
But some cockblocks are more egregious than others. Here are five of the worst ways that you can be prevented from having sex:
1. The So-Close: You and your conquest are back in the hotel room, you're raring to go, and all of a sudden, your friend stumbles in, sits down, and turns on the TV. Without realizing it, she has just shat all over a hook-up that was thisclose to happening. The mood is ruined, you don't have anywhere else to go, and you will remain sexually frustrated for the entire rest of the week.
2. The Investigative Reporter: This upsetting cockblock is defined purely by ill intention. In it, the 'blocker begins peppering his friend's would-be hook-up with questions meant to be discrediting, either because he's bored, or because he's skeptical of the situation, or because he doesn't want his friend to succeed in life. “Do you have a boyfriend?” he might snidely ask. “A husband? Or wait – didn't I see you dancing onstage at the Blue Iguana last night?”
3. The “For Your Own Good”: The opposite of the investigative reporter cockblock, this well-meant intervention goes down when someone gallantly decides to step in and take over decision-making for a friend. Maybe they feel that their buddy shouldn't be cheating, or that their roommate will wind up crying for days after having gone home with her ex, or that their free-spirited friend will be horrified to wake up next to the investment banker with whom she appears to be headed home.
But sadly, it's not for us to intervene when our pals are making bad decisions (unless they're too drunk to stand up or their safety is in question!). We are not children. Mistakes will be made. Sometimes you have to just sit by and let it happen.
4. The Family Member Cockblock: Whether you're home for the holidays and a parent walks in on you, or your grandmother decides to call you at 7:00 a.m. just as you're about to have some delightful morning sex, the family member cockblock is particularly distressing because it's the type of thing that can scar you for life. Once it goes down, you have a relative and sex commingled in your mind. This is a horrible thing to deal with moving forward.
5. The Self-Block: Of all the cockblocks to endure, the self-block is by far the worst. As its title suggests, this is when you have no one to blame but yourself for not getting laid. Maybe you passed out, or you didn't pick up on obvious hints, or you let fly with an offensive joke that turned everyone around you off. Either way, when you think back on it, you realize: You were your own worst cockblock. And that, friends, is something you have to live with for the remainder of your days.
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