Sometimes, we like to test the Internet. We so thoroughly enjoyed the video of a metal-themed cooking show a friend posted on Facebook yesterday that we wondered if it didn't epitomize a larger trend. We took a two-minute jaunt through YouTube and humanity's e-presence came through loudly, hungrily, and darkly. We should have known. Metal is, after all, typically intricate and difficult to play; it requires precision, much like baking, frying, or sushi-slicing. If you'd like to stomp, grunt, hiss, and screech your way through the black fruits of our search–five of our favorite metal-themed cooking show videos–read on:
5. Cooking For Metalheads: Davie Malson, the jolly German hesher behind Cooking For Metalheads, probably drew valkyries on his folders in high school. “There's only one thing that you can cook for a metalhead, and that's meat–raw goddamned meat,” he bellows unconvincely. “Put some of this shit into this shit so we can fucking eat it alright?” Malson stops massaging his ground beef to drink a beer, which he does very deliberately, like a 9th grader.
4. Bhayanak Maut:Vinay, Rahul, Vinit, Venky and Aditya play in the Indian thrash band Bhayanak Maut. Here they gather in a kitchen before a camera to share a recipe. “We must not forget a little bit of sweetness in the blood,” one of the guys murmurs calmly, sprinkling sugar over a plate of what looks like blood, which made us think queasily of the end of Dusan Makavejev's great, grotesque Sweet Movie.
3. Vegan Black Metal Chef: Of course, not all metalhead chefs traffic in flesh. Vegan Black Metal Chef's first episode yields a slick, shuddering mess of pad thai, as the ghoulish host gasps his instructions over churning riffs and neatly slices tofu with a wicked horned dagger. “Stir, you fool,” he wheezes, as the music builds in intensity, the pace of his preparation becomes more frantic, and helpful subtitles flash across the screen.
2. Heavy Metal Vegan Cooking: This one features an earnest, unpainted, fuzzy-faced man with swooping bangs making some seitan, a foodstuff with a face for radio. On the plus side, Satan himself actually drops by towards the end of the video to kick back with the host.
1. Kragoth the Barbarian: Our absolute favorite hinges on the deadpan banter of Kragoth the Barbarian, a slight, heavily made-up British guy who, in voice, spirit, and countenance, appears about as barbaric as Dick from High Fidelity. He whips up a “pasta baked feta thing” with tomato sauce and peppers. As he begins cooking, he washes his hands (“Normally I suggest virgin blood”) and appraises his ingredients (“I like feta because it's made from a goat which makes it more grim and metal”). Taking a knife to the cheese, he adds: “Cut it up like it was an emo kid's face.”