If you feel like jumping off a ledge every time you hear “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” don't expect Denis Leary to talk you down. The comic will be signing Merry F#%$in' Christmas, a sort of children's book for adults (with co-author Chris Phillips) featuring animation by Corky Quakenbush and lyrics from his 2004 comedy album of the same name. (A follow-up special on Comedy Central included Charlie Murphy, Carmen Electra, William Shatner and the Barenaked Ladies.) In Leary's version of Christmas, shoppers dog-fight each other at the toy store, snowmen have misplaced carrot sticks, little boys read Asian porn in their bedrooms in front of a crackling fire and Santa is a registered sex offender in NoPo. And instead of a winter wonderland, Leary's hometown of New York looks more like an urban jungle covered in graffiti, pee and hookers. You wouldn't anticipate anything cheerful and optimistic from a guy whose last book was titled Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid — even if he was one of the voices in the Ice Age kid's film series. No holiday Grinch enjoys listening to saccharine Christmas carols on constant rotation for two months. So here is one of Leary's nuggets to keep you miserable and bitter well through Easter: “Old St. Nick's got bourbon breath/It's so cold you could catch your death/A cop sold me some crystal meth/It's a Merry Fuckin' Christmas.” Barnes & Noble at the Grove at Farmers Market, 189 The Grove Dr.; Thurs., Dec. 6, 7 p.m.; (323) 525-0270, barnesandnoble.com

Thu., Dec. 6, 7 p.m., 2012

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