Is there a Pulitzer category for memoirs by jilted reality stars who like to talk smack about ex-husbands and “bonus moms?” Because if so, this book should win it.
And we're not joking for one second. Drinking & Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders by Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Brandi Glanville and not-so-ghostwriter Leslie Bruce is the best piece of celeb literature we've ever come across. It's like one long US Weekly book that never gets boring. It's first-hand gossip you can savor like a big, juicy steak.
Considering Glanville became famous only when her husband was caught cheating with an also very married LeAnn Rimes, it's fair to say her life has been in a tailspin for the last few years. And she details every morsel of it in this book (holding out only the parts she's legally bound to not disclose). But she gets very personal about the drugs she's taken. She discusses every minute detail of her vaginal rejuvenation surgery. And more than anything, she rips LeAnn Rimes a new one.
Basically, she's been publicly humiliated, has sh*t to say and doesn't give a f*ck. Here are some of Glanville's best soliloquies from the book.
8. On medicating herself:
“People have criticized me for being open about my use of antidepressent and antianxiety drugs, wondering why I would admit to something like that. My response? Fuck you. There is nothing wrong with treating a neurochemical imbalance. In fact, I think it's negligent to ignore problems and hope that with enough sleep and a healthy diet they'll just go away. Bullshit. I'm hoping that my sharing my story will help another struggling mom out there — plus I never intend to give up Del Taco.”
7. On not having employable skills:
“When my life took an unimaginable turn, I was completely unprepared. While I was sure of a handful of things — I could rock the smallest bikini, fuck like a rock star, and make a homemade penne Bolognese that would change your life — I was insecure about my actual ability to make a living.”
6. On her coping skills:
“Considering that I was simultaneously watching [LeAnn Rimes] fill my shoes entirely and completely take over my life (#SingleWhiteFemale), I'm pretty lucky that I didn't become a fucking crack whore or a heroin-addicted stripper. Well, the stripper option was briefly on the table, but heroin? Not a chance. I saw first hand how that fucks people up. #Models.
5. On why she decided to have vaginal rejuvenation surgery:
“Later that night, over a glass of sauvignon blanc, it occurred to me: a brand-new vagina would be an Eddie-free vagina. It would be something completely unknown to him and would offer me the fresh start I so desperately deserved. It was time for my pussy to be reborn.”
4. On how LeAnn Rimes stole her friends:
“She wooed them with an all-expense-paid vacation to Cabo San Lucas — complete with private planes, private beaches, and private chefs — and the unspoken promise that their own stars might rise if they stood next to her long enough. After all, there's a photographer lurking around every corner, right? (Usually because she's called them.)”
3. On how she found out about Sheena, the “other” other woman:
“After a few simple mouse clicks — and a huge gulp of sauvignon blanc — I landed on a gossip blog only to discover that the lead story had photos of my husband and some fucking slut having a great fucking time on my motherfucking boat.”
2. On her night in the slammer:
“The Beverly Hills Police Department holding cells were shockingly comfortable. I had only ever seen the inside of a jail on episodes of Law & Order, so I was pleasantly surprised by the amenities — which included a selection of the weekly magazines I so frequently appeared in those days. I'm not suggesting anyone try to get locked up; I'm just saying it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. But it was still pretty horrible.”
1. On how to live:
“I learned a lot of lessons over the past few years, and I've found that honesty is always the best policy. Lying only gets you more lying — and mounting lies only lead to stress. And stress can lead to premature aging and oftentimes depression. I have my Lexapro, so I'm pretty much just worried about the wrinkles.”
Drinking & Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders hits stories today.