This Thursday, America celebrates a Catholic snake wrangler named St. Patrick by wearing green and throwing up beer in the backseat of an Uber. Listen. I like an excuse to start drinking in the middle of a weekday as much as the next guy, but St. Patrick's Day is fucking amateur hour. Going out means braving bars filled with 20-something pub crawlers in “Kiss Me I'm Drunk” T-shirts screaming at each other over a soundtrack of Flogging Molly and Dropkick Murphys. If you'd prefer to put off your partying until the bars have returned to normal, here's some stuff to do on St. Patrick's Day that won't inevitably end in a dehydration headache. Unless you want it to.

See some comedy
Gabe Greenspan and Ryan Bowers of Idiot Chimney invite you to celebrate the one holiday that encourages alcoholism at A Very Idiot Chimney St. Patrick's Day Show. The two sketch players, who perform monthly at iO West, join fellow sketch group Sasquatch Comedy and guitar-playing comedian Pat Regan for a night of sketches and original songs that may or may not have anything to do with Irish culture. Whether you get drunk before or after, they are not responsible for your hangover. Nerdist Showroom at Meltdown Comics, 7522 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood; Thu., March 17, 7-8:30 p.m.; $8 in advance, $10 at the door. (323) 851-7223, nerdmeltla.com. —Siran Babayan

The bicoastal stand-up comedy showcase Fresh Out! at UCB Sunset (they don't even serve alcohol!), Tammy Jo Dearen's McBITCH at the Comedy Store and the UCB St. Patrick's Day Improv Parade at UCB Franklin.

Treat your ears to something that doesn't feature fiddles
What, exactly, goes on inside the brain when a musician creates something new? It's more than just a fanciful, hypothetical question to L.A. Chamber Orchestra concertmaster Margaret Batjer. As part of LACO's Westside Connections series, which this year focuses on the intersection of music and neuroscience, host Batjer tonight asks if there's a doctor in the house — in particular, Dr. Charles Limb, head of the otology/neurotology department at UC San Francisco. As the chamber ensemble performs selections by Beethoven and Smetana, the good doctor will explain how these composers continued to make stirring music even after they went deaf. Intriguingly, Limb also will chart changes in the brain in real time as LACO music director Jeffrey Kahane takes flight and improvises on piano. Moss Theater, 3131 Olympic Blvd., Santa Monica; Thu., March 17, 7:30 p.m.; $65 & up. (213) 622-7001, laco.org. —Falling James

The “pied piper of broken beats,” Mark de Clive-Lowe, DJs at Blue Whale

Go to the theater because you never do
Two recently well-reviewed plays are being staged on Thursday: The Mongoose at the Road on Magnolia and They Don't Talk Back at the Autry. The former, about a dysfunctional family with a 300-year-old mongoose living between the walls of its home, was described by critic Bill Raden as a “sprawling and crackingly funny black comedy;” he adds, “Every time you think you've zeroed in and there's no place left for the story to go, [writer Will] Arbery reveals an even farther-off and more outlandish horizon.” The latter, a domestic drama about a disaffected teen going to live with his grandparents in the mid-'90s, is part of a program called Native Voices, which intends to represent the experiences of Native Americans. Deborah Klugman says, “The writing is fairly solid and [writer Kaash] Katasse’s portrait of a loving elderly couple a touching one.” 

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, a stage adaptation of the 1962 John Wayne-Jimmy Stewart movie, at Rubicon Theatre Company.

Go to the movies
In 2009, the world lost Patrick Swayze to cancer, but luckily we'll always have Dirty Dancing. And Road House. Pelvic thrusts and bar brawls — it doesn't get much better. On St. Patrick's Day, the Egyptian Theatre is hosting a Salute to Patrick Swayze Double Feature with both of those films. Hollywood's St. Patrick gets his due.

The Aero in Santa Monica is hosting a galactic double feature with Star Trek: Generations and Star Trek: First Contact.

LA Weekly