We don't, for a second, believe in huckster Harold Camping's prophecy that May 21st will be Judgment Day, but we're kind of hoping he's right. See, we're planning a long weekend getaway, and if the Rapture arrives, our editor says we can have those days off-the-books. If it does arrive, here's how we'll be brunching, post-apocalypse style.

Mountain House: Breakfast Skillet

Mountain House, whose beef stroganoff (not bad) and spaghetti (blech) we reviewed yesterday, makes a credible breakfast skillet. It's a mush of dehydrated eggs, potatoes, sausage and kibble with flecks of bell pepper and a fake smoky tinge. The “eggs” have the texture of a damp sponge and the potatoes have no potato flavor, but the bits of “meat” kibble actually taste like sausage. Norm's, Denny's, et al. have nothing to worry about, but the whole shebang is a tolerable approximation of diner breakfast hash, especially when compared to the huevos rancheros from Backpacker's Pantry.

"Huevos rancheros" by Backpacker's Pantry.; Credit: Guzzle & Nosh

“Huevos rancheros” by Backpacker's Pantry.; Credit: Guzzle & Nosh

We don't expect freeze-dried food to actually taste good, but we also don't expect it to taste like vomitous bile. We added the recommended 1.25 cups of water to the package of yellow-orange powder and dried beans. We waited the recommended 10 minutes. Instead of a mush approximating eggs and beans, we got a watery, chemical soup that looked — and tasted — like someone had already eaten, digested and thrown it back up. Not simply one of the worst freeze-dried foods, but one of the worst things we have ever eaten. If this is post-apocalypse cuisine, we might have to start going to church.

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