Epidemics are cyclical by nature, and 2006 has been forecast as a high-risk year for facial-hair prevalence. The most notable among identified strains is the Ironic Hipster Mustache; experts report increased incidences of this bizarre 21st-century growth in the close quarters of an incestuous music scene. The Hipster Mustache has been witnessed on several high-profile victims, including Jesse “The Devil” Hughes of Eagles of Death Metal, Chris Cain of We Are Scientists, Greg Ashley of Gris Gris, Eugene Hutz of Gogol Bordello, and members of the Futureheads and Plastic Crimewave Sound.
Symptoms are mild at onset. A mustache generally surfaces as stubble in the upper-lip area before engulfing, over a period of one to six months, the entire region in a coarse, bristly mop. Delusions may accompany the mustache’s progress, and those afflicted can become desensitized to the tactile revulsion it generates in potential mates.
An Ironic Hipster Mustache pandemic can be averted through proper shaving techniques and public awareness of the risks. Until containment, however, bearers of symptoms can live impaired though marginally functional lives despite the aesthetic challenges.