Whitney Port's new solo reality show finally debuts next week (Dec. 29). I hate to admit it, and I'm throwing up just a little bit into my mouth as I write this, but I'm really looking forward to it! Of all The Hills girls, Whitney is the one you most want to be friends with. She's also the prettiest, with the best sense of style, and seems least likely to try to make out with your boyfriend when you're not looking. Whitney is leaving Los Angeles for a job at Diane Von Furstenberg in NYC. There's been some hubbub in the blogoverse about whether or not the sensible, drama-free Miss Port is too boring to sustain her own reality show. Just in case they run out of material (which has never stopped them before), I propose the following plot-twists for MTV's producers:
1. Whitney Cuts Her Hair. Felicity did it when she moved to the big city. Whitney's got those long, golden locks that are very California girl. It would be apropos for her to do a drastic image change now that she's in sophisticated New York. Bob cut, anyone?
2. Whitney Discovers Her Inner Evil Bitch. Whitney is very nice. There are few story arcs more satisfying than the making of nice girls into scheming, canny operators and psychotic, evil bitches.
3. Whitney Fights Super-Intern Emily, Fight Culminates in Knock-Down Drag Out Bloody Cat Fight. So, in past episodes of The Hills, when Lauren Conrad and Whitney were both interning at Teen Vogue, this extremely capable, beautiful, poised young NYC intern Emily would sometimes pop in to make both LC and Whitney feel incompetent. I would like to see an actual physical cat-fight between Whitney and the Super-Intern. New York is a small city. There's only room for one awesome reality show fashion girl. I would also like a bonus Emergency Room Scene after the fight.
4. Whitney Scraps Her Fashion Career. She decides to go to med school instead. Bonus scene: Whitney Port's first cadaver dissection during Gross Human Anatomy.
5. Whitney Has Emotional Breakdown Because the Closet in her Tiny New York Apartment is Too Small. Basically, I just want to see what's in her closet. (Did I mention how much I love her style?) Does she fold her sweaters? Does she organize her dresses by color? Does she put her shoes in little plastic bins or throw them about willy nilly? Pressing questions. These are pressing questions, people.
6. Whitney Sleeps with Lauren's Boyfriend. Or Super-Intern's. Maybe it happens inadvertently. Maybe deliberately. Maybe after a drunken night out on the town, in an elevator.
7. Whitney Befriends Socialites, Falls Under Their Bad Influence, Loses It All, Returns to LA in Shame. Hopefully this doesn't actually happen to her. That would be sad. Good, good TV, but sad.
8. Whitney Goes Goth. Everyone needs to go through their dark phase. Miss Sunshine and Light is overdue for hers. And wouldn't you know it, Goth is available in couture these days.