Looking for love in L.A. is like finding a pair of jeans that makes you look 10 pounds thinner for under $100. Virtually impossible. My friend Cindy Lu, writer and director of The Four Man Plan, convinces me that I must multitask by dating four guys at once. “It’s a numbers game,” she says. “The more tickets you buy, the better chance you have at winning.” The first rule: Go out with guys who aren’t your type. Ew. “How’s your type workin’ for ya?” she asks. Point taken. Sorry, Viggo. Second rule: Say “yes” to everyone who asks you out. I’d rather go on Fear Factor, but I promise to obey the guidelines and sign up for J-Date. Since I’m dating outside my box, my wardrobe needs a tune-up, but I’m on a budget. Using a simple black skirt, I change the top, accessories and shoes to match the man!
Screen name: “IHadAbriss.” He’s in banking and sounds like Jackie Mason. Oy.
Wanted: a sexy, sophisticated blouse that says, “Sure. Buy me an expensive cocktail, but I’m so not sleeping with you.”
Solution: a cream silk tuxedo button-down blouse by House of Dereon. Fancy. It hugs my curves like a Formula 1 around a racetrack. I like it so much I don’t care that it was designed by Beyoncé Knowles. A 14K gold lariat necklace with green Moroccan glass beads by Gazella and Cynthia Vincent’s “Seymore” pumps in gold are perfect for my future husband, the borscht-belt comic/stockbroking genius.
Love connection? At the bar I can’t tell if ?he’s just a character, or I just don’t like him, but all bets of marriage are off when he continually asks the bartender, “Is the bread free?” ?Terra, 8226 W. Third St., L.A.; blouse $128, necklace $135.
PLAYING THE PART
Screen name: “Jewliketacos” is an actor and way my type. Dangerous. He gives great phone.
Wanted: slightly glam and photog-friendly top.
Solution: an “Ammor” top by L.A. designer Sky. It’s buttah soft and shows just enough cleavage. Under the bust, a sparkling tiger is flanked by rhinestone cutouts that play peekaboo with my skin. It’s sexy without trying too hard. The top doesn’t need much, so I choose a heavy brass rope bracelet with a subtle rhinestone circle and small charm from a sassy jewelry line called La Vie Parisienne. I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Tacos.
Love connection? He cancels. My gay neighbor Rico sees me drinking alone on my porch. “Mami, you look too sexy to stay home. Let’s go out!” I dance the night away with Rico at Fubar in WeHo. It’s Fat Dick night. Jackpot! Polkadots & Moonbeams, 8367 & 8381 W. Third St., L.A.; top $148, bracelet $78.
Screen name: “Yidiculous” lives in Venice and takes bong hits during our conversation.
Wanted: one hippie-chic blouse without looking crunchy granola.
Solution: a relaxed peasant top by Subtle Luxury with embroidered flowers and green beads that border a shoulder-baring boat neck with drawstring ties. It feels like my mom’s from the ’60s. For my boho blouse, I get the perfect brass-and-bead Indian-inspired earrings with ruby rhinestones by La Vie Parisienne.
Love connection? I meet Yidiculous at an outdoor café. He’s cute, but before I can order my latte, he pulls out a fat J and lights up. “Dude,” I say, “do you know we’re in public?” “S’cool,” he says, inhaling. “I’ve got a medical-marijuana card.” Now, that’s Yidiculous. Polkadots & Moonbeams, 8367 & 8381 W. Third St., L.A.; shirt $112, earrings $46.
Screen name: “Jewbacca.” Unemployed rocker, lives with Mom, but is so hot. His e-mail says, “Did you fall off a pretty cliff and land on a cute rock?” Yikes.
Wanted: rockin’ wear.
Solution: Pull My Daisy carries funky denim corsets by Jessica Louise with a pink skull and crossbones and black satin ribbon lace-up back. I pair it with her leopard-print tank sporting a tiny pink bow. “Hollywood Stiletto” ankle straps in black with a gold heel from Re-Mix (replicas of shoes Bettie Page wore) and a mirrored butterfly-and-skull necklace by Natalia Fabia are perfect. It’s punk without looking like Nancy (minus Sid and the heroin).
Love connection? Let’s just say that he’s gorgeous and I’m tipsy. We go back to my place. In the amount of time it takes me to get the wine and glasses, he seems to have started to . . . um . . . enjoy himself without me. Outside. On the porch. In full view of my neighbors. No one was pleased, except Rico across the street. I blame the shoes . . . and Cindy Lu. Pull My Daisy, 3908 Sunset Blvd., L.A.; cincher $120, tank $42 (www.jessicalouise.com). Re-Mix, 7605½ Beverly Blvd., L.A.; ankle straps $148 (www.remixvintgeshoes.com).
The Four Man Plan (July 14–September 1). Ruskin Group Theater Company. Call (310) 397-3244 for details and information.