When I think of douche I think of Michael Savage, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Michele Bachmann. I mean, no one uses “Hey douchebag” as a term of endearment, or because you've done something intelligent and thoughtful, like cutting them off in your car at a green light.

Summer's Eve used to call its feminine hygiene products douches (they still have a few douches available at Amazon.com) but they got wise to the fact that douche is either a terrible idea or a bad person.

Also available in Island Rash.

Also available in Island Rash.

So the new marketing ploy and product line from a company who loves them a good ol' douche is all about freshening up. Deodorizing. “Hailing to the V.” And by praising the vagina, they mean keep her clean.

But vaginas are clean. They're self-cleaning machines. Little ecosystems that regulate their own pH levels without the help of a little bottle of pussy perfume. Hey Summers Eve: despite revoking the “douche” reference, your new message was still unbearably inappropriate.

Here's why we're glad the campaign got canned:

1. Vaginas don't have teeth and don't talk.

However if my vagina could talk, she'd have way more intelligent things to say then, “Yes please clean me with your self-loathing feminine products.” If she could speak she'd remind me to masturbate regularly (it helps you look younger and stay healthier) and she'd tell me how world hunger and poverty make her sad.

Oh wait, my vagina just called. She said she thinks you're a douche. Maybe I was wrong about her being such a lady. She's pretty perturbed about how dirty and smelly you try to make her feel; next you'll tell her she's fat.

The only thing that stinks in this room is you, Summers Eve. My vagina smells like me. It's not smelly bad – it's smelly good. She's going to kickstart a campaign for you to get a life.

2. If a vagina smells foul, douches won't help. But a doctor can.

If you smell something down there that's less than natural, using a douche only masks the problem. Worse yet, douching can increase your chances of infection. So instead of hiding your pride, take your vagina to a doctor and let a trained professional tell you what's up down there.

Stop listening to a company trying to profit off of the scent between your legs. The only thing fishy here is Summers Eves motives. The company wants to pump you up by putting your vagina down. It's all about dollars and lack of scents.

This scent really brings out your insecurities!

This scent really brings out your insecurities!

3. Douching can set your vagina out of whack.

We all know things that are whack (like crack) can't be good for us. There's nothing more confusing to a perfectly healthy vagina then to have it invaded by “Smelly Island Splash” or “Mystical Morning Paradise.”

The vagina cleans itself, and douching with “Sweet Romance” can lead to a love/hate relationship between the balance of acid and vaginal flora. It can also lead to irritation, sexually transmitted infections, bacterial vaginosis, and pelvic inflammatory disease.

4. My vagina does not look like a talking hand. Neither vertical nor horizontal.

And using products made by a douching company will not help me know my vagina better, despite what that talking hand on the screen tells me.

Do you know what a vagina looks like? A slit in my hand or a vertical smile doesn't really cut it.

5. There is no place called Vagina-land.

But if there was, would it be like Disneyland but with fewer rides? Are there mice wearing dresses and fairy princesses waiting to shoot glitter out of my vertical smile? Will fireworks come out of there too?

And if I'm black or Latina, does that mean my vagina (named Lady Wowza…really?!) has a 'tude or twang? Would my Asian slit be good at math? At least the Old Spice commercials for stinky men are funny without being insulting.

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