Earlier this week, I went to the funeral of a person that I cared about. While I am of course happy that he will get to spend the rest of eternity in Heaven with the woman that he loved (who was there waiting for him), I am sad for myself and for my family because he is someone we all cared about deeply. This is not a remembrance post, though. My wife, this particular man's granddaughter, wrote one far better than I could ever hope to do. This, my true best friends, is a blueprint.
Here's what I know, and you know, and everyone knows: I'm going to die, you're going to die, we're all going to die. I can only hope that it happens to me while I'm doing something cool like climbing a mountain or participating in a Royal Rumble. More likely is that it happens while I'm making a joke about boners on Twitter.
But when my heart is finally crushed under the weight of a lifetime of tortillas and tamales, I want my funeral to be conducted in a very specific manner. The following 11 things need to happen. This is legal and binding. Please make sure that my lawyer gets it, as my wife is already expressing her unwillingness to honor some of my requests. Thank you.
FOR MY FUNERAL:
1. I want a funeral flyer like how they make for clubs and whatnot. And for the part that lists the time I want it to say “11 a.m. – ???” Hand them out during the week leading up to my funeral.
2. I want the little white girl from the Vine above to be there, doing exactly what she's doing for, like, 10 minutes straight because the above Vine is the best that's ever been.
3. A strict dress code will be enforced. If you are invited, you can dress like a) Eazy-E during his most famous NWA days (Compton hat non-negotiable); b) Puffy and Ma$e when they were wearing those shiny suits; c) shirtless Tupac with that bandanna on his head; Lil Kim in her infamous 1999 VMA outfit*; or d) Missy Elliot when she was wearing those trash bags. If you are not in compliance, the bouncers will not let you in.*My wife is going to wear the outfit Kim wore on that very famous poster. Someone please make sure that she sits in her seat at the funeral just like Kim did.
4. The bouncers will be all the guys from Destiny's Child's “Soldier” video. I'm sure they're looking for work. (IMPORTANT: DO NOT GIVE THEM THE JOB IF THEY DO NOT STILL HAVE THE LOW-CUT CAESARS WITH THE DEEP WAVES.)
5. There needs to be a man there dressed exactly like the Death Angel in the “Crossroads” video. Incidentally, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony will all be there and will sing “Crossroads” as my casket is lowered into the earth.
6. There will be a 25-minute fellowship, during which time UGK's “One Day” will be played on repeat. Nobody is allowed to talk, save rapping the words to the song. Please do not attend if you don't know the words. (I'd recommend printing them out right now and then carrying them in your wallet/purse.)
7. One of my three sons will deliver the eulogy. If Boy A gives the speech, he will do so in the same voice and speech pattern as Juvenile in “Ha.” If Boy B does it, he will mimic Future's vocals in “Karate Chop.” And if Boy C does it, he'll do his like Slick Rick in “A Children's Story.”
8. DMX will be there to perform the opening prayer, from the prayer skit from It's Dark And Hell Is Hot. If he wants, he can also sing “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.” I must've watched that video of him doing that, like, 200 times.
9. I will headline my own funeral, which means there should be several smaller, less important funerals before mine. These will be preceded by a two-song set from Ja Rule, consisting of “Holla, Holla” and his verse from “Can I Get A.” After that, escort him out of the building. If he asks for payment, give him the copy of R.U.L.E. that I bought in college and tell him, “Shea says 'Thanks for nothing, Ja.'”
10. Everyone should already be seated before they bring my casket in. When the pallbearers wheel me in, the girls from ODB's “Got Your Money” video will walk alongside it singing the song's hook, but instead of singing, “Hey, Dirty, baby I got your money,” they will sing, “Hey, Jesus, baby I got your body.”11. Everyone who comes gets an “RIP Selena” T-shirt.