Around this time of year, a lot of outlets publish holiday gift guides. They're usually offering stuff for the love of your life, or your family, or your friends.
Hogwash! We're not here to give you good ideas; we are here to give you terrible ideas. Thus, below, our suggested presents for people who like music, but whom you don't like.
The Clarinet They Played For Two Weeks In Middle School Band
Like, the exact same one. This is a good gift if you want to hammer home someone's commitment issues.
The Entirety of the Hot Topic Vinyl Selection
We know your frenemy has always wanted the second Jeffree Star album on overpriced wax. What about the Dropkick Murphys discography? Thankfully, Hot Topic is there for you.
Anything on UMD
The Universal Media Disc, or UMD, was a format introduced by Sony in 2005 to be played on their PlayStation Portable handheld. Yes, in an effort to fight piracy, Sony came up with a format that could literally only be played on one specific device, and called it “universal.” So, what you do is buy something in the format, say, Metallica's Black Album, and then if the recipient wants to listen to it they have no option other than buying an old-ass PlayStation Portable handheld.
Bullet For My Valentine Chain Wallet
If the music fan you're buying for likes the Welsh band Bullet For My Valentine (they don't) then they'll love (they won't) this super ugly and clunky chain wallet.
An Account on the AbsolutePunk.net Forums
I understand you can talk about Jesse Lacey's penis on that website.
A Cheesy Gordita Crunch
To be honest, I'd be pretty stoked to unwrap a weeks-old Cheesy Gordita Crunch on Christmas morning.
A K Records Wallet
Some websites will have you believe that buying someone a K Records wallet is a “quaint but powerful symbol of anti-materialism at each grab for your debit card,” and will help remind the person you're buying it for to “spend their $5 on a 7″ at a show instead of a can of beer.” Because there's nicer than confused ideology for Christmas.
Bruce Springsteen's Working on a Dream, Special Edition.
A $30 version of the 13th best Bruce Springsteen album.
A $25 Sam Goody Gift Card
Good luck, fucker.
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