Shea SerranoWelcome to another installment of the worst rap songs of the year, brought to you by Why This Song Sucks. They are all here this year: The all-the-way aged king, the suddenly mortal demigod, the former darling, the current darling, the most successful female rapper of the past decade, the global megastar, the lovable Bronx fat man, the incorrigible L.A. white girls, a goddamn cat; all of them, more.
See also: *The Worst Rap Tracks of 2011
Guest appearances by Brad Pitt, Arsenio Hall, Clint Eastwood , Prince, the Pakistani guy from Seinfeld, Kristen Wiig, Eddie Murphy, Nic Cage, the kid from Boy Meets World, the guy from Entourage that helped Vince nearly ruin his everything; all of them, more. These are the ten worst rap songs of 2012.
10. Kanye West, “I Don't Like remix,” featuring Pusha T, Big Sean, Jadakiss
———
Dear Kanye,
Sincerely,
S
———
Chief Keef's original version of “I Don't Like,” THE VERSION THAT JESUS INTENDED FOR THE WORLD TO HAVE, was supernaturally brilliant, and maybe the greatest, most unsettling youth in revolt moment of the year. This one though, this one was like if that first one took a poop, then that poop took a poop. It's the mythical DOUBLE POOP, yo. Also, I think Kanye West was 63-years-old when he recorded his verse. And I guess that's why he rolled Jadakiss's old ass out for a guest feature too. “No one will notice I'm way too old to try this if I Jadakiss is here,” Kanye definitely said during the co-opting.
9. Kreayshawn, “Summertime,” featuring V-Nasty
———
Dear Kreayshawn,
With “Gucci, Gucci” we were all like,
but then with everything else we've been all like,
Make “Gucci, Gucci” again plz.
Sincerely,
S
8. Lil Debbie, EVERY SONG ALL OF THEM EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE
———
Dear Lil Debbie,
Sincerely,
S
———
It seems like maybe this is an opportunity to talk about young white women and rap music and examining young white women in the context of rap music and cultural assimilation and how maybe this isn't even really cultural assimilation anymore because everything has become so muddled and unclear and internet-y. Instead: No. Nope. No. Just no. It's not– it's never– I mean, because if you– look, it's just– …no.
To be clear, Riff Raff tho:
7. Trinidad James, “All Gold Everything”
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Dear Internet,
Trinidad James is the future of hip-hop?
Sincerely,
S
Admission: I'M GOING TO LOOOOOVE THIS SONG IN CONCERT.
6. Flo Rida, “Whistle”
———
Dear Flo Rida,
Sincerely,
S
———
Record Exec: Freddie Gibbs? Look, rap music is just too aggressive and misogynistic and can be too hard to package to a global market, which is really what we want to do here. What else ya got?
Other Record Exec: Well, there's Flo Rida.
Record Exec: What's his deal?
Other Record Exec: He has this song we can push. It's called “Whistle.” It's entirely uncreative and bland and EXACTLY the sort of thing that will get 170,000,000 brainless views on YouTube.
Record Exec: “Whistle”? Like, “blow my whistle” or something?
Other Record Exec: Yes.
Record Exec: So, it's about whistling but really it's just this guy telling girls to suck his cock over and over again?
Other Record Exec: …Yes.
Record Exec: I'm in.
5. Nicki Minaj, “Pound The Alarm”
———
Dear Nicki,
Sincerely,
S
———
Because she got away with “Stupid Hoe”? I guess Peter Rosenberg was right. :/
4. LL Cool J, “Ratchet”
———
Dear LL,
Sincerely,
S
———
LL? “Ratchet”? I mean, c'mon. Remember “Bad”? Remember “Rock The Bells”? Remember “Big Ole Butt”? Remember “Around The Way Girl”? Remember “Mama Said Knock You Out”? Remember “Hey Lover”?
This has to be that girl from the “I Need Love” video's fault. SMH.
3. Fat Joe, “Instagram That Hoe,” featuring Rick Ross, Juicy J
———
Dear Fat Joe,
Sincerely,
S
———
Fat Joe and the transitive fallacy:
Given that you enjoy rap music, and given that you enjoy Instagram, you will enjoy rap music about Instagram.
Except you won't. You'll think it's death. You'll think it's like the way it feels to put your tongue on a battery. You'll think it's like Dwight Howard's defense against the pick and roll this season. You'll think it's like the time you ate four Snickers candy bars for dinner.
2. Lil B and Keke (HIS MOTHERFUCKING CAT)
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Dear Internet,
Hi again. Remember when this was your future of hip-hop? LOLZ
Sincerely,
S
———
Did this even really happen? Because, I mean.
You know how there's GREAT and then there's GOOD and there's BAD and then there's SO BAD THAT IT'S KIND OF GOOD and then finally there's SO BAD THAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY GENIUS? This one goes way the fuck past all of those, circling back into its own tail of terrible.
1. Ca$h Out, “Cashin' Out”
———
Dear Ca$h Out,
Sincerely,
S
———
Ca$h Out's most accurate historical analogue: goddamn Murphy Lee. And fuck you if you think America needs to make that mi$take again, son.
Plus, we've all already made room for Future. Ca$h Out's spot is filled.
See also: *The Worst Rap Tracks of 2011
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