By Shea Serrano

Welcome to Why This Song Sucks, a new column from West Coast Sound. Unlike Fuck Guilty Pleasures, we're not arguing that something everyone hates on is actually good, we're arguing that certain songs blow.

See, here's the thing: This existence, this music writer thing, is pretty unnecessary. Yes, it's dancing about architecture, but if you really unpack it, a lot of music writing is simply listening to something and saying, “Well, I suppose that was [adjective].” And that's often a fail because critics don't know shit. They think something is good when clearly it's terrible (Lil B sometimes), or they think that it's terrible when clearly it's brilliant (Lil B other times).

So Why This Song Sucks takes all the subjectivity out of it, making music criticism completely impartial and entirely objective. You will see graphs, charts, and scientific theories based on reason and brilliance.

Less go!

Song: “Y.U. Mad,” Birdman featuring Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne

Background: Birdman (he's still totally alive, bro!) has a song. It's pretty new. It's the pits.

The Lyrics: We, Nicki Minaj, Birdman and Lil Wayne, are saying things that will make you, who are not Nicki Minaj, Birdman or Lil Wayne, mad that you are not Nicki Minaj, Birdman or Lil Wayne.

What The Lyrics Should Be: We, Nicki Minaj, Birdman and Lil Wayne, are shitting all over your ears and hoping you do not notice.

The Atmosphere: There's a semi-interesting economy-of-sound mechanized drone that serves as Polaris here (we'll all pretend it wasn't the throwaway analog to Nicki Minaj's “Did It On 'Em”). There's a tinge of electronica. There's some meh-drums. There's the “battery charge” noise just to be clever. Hopefully enough people will want to sleep with Nicki Minaj for the song to become successful.

Scientific Analysis: I started one, but couldn't finish it because I was crying too much from listening to the song. Here's where it's at right now:

See? The main good thing about this song is that it will not give you cancer if you listen to it. Pros and cons chart, son. This shit saves lives.

LA Weekly