Jeff Weiss[Editor's note: Weekly scribe Jeff Weiss's column, “Bizarre Ride,” appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday. His archives are available here.]
See also: Our Matt Kemp profile in our People issue
Forget phrenology, both the overrated Roots album and the 19th-century pseudo-science. Ignore palmistry, psychotherapy and Rick Warren. The best way to burrow into someone's personality is to browse their iPod. Or, in the case of the Los Angeles Dodgers, study their choices for the music that comes on in the stadium before they bat or pitch.
With the pennant race heating up, consider this your Gray's Sports Almanac to predict whether the boys in blue have the necessary juice to overtake the San Francisco Giants.
Matt Kemp: 2 Chainz, “Spent It”; Meek Mill featuring Rick Ross, “I'ma Boss”
What this may reveal: Kemp has spent several hours at car dealerships searching for coupes the color of mayonnaise. His 401(k) may be lackluster. He thinks of Rihanna when 2 Chainz brags, “My girl ain't got no stomach.” After games, he requests an exquisite platter of exquisite crab meats.
Dee Gordon: French Montana, “Shot Caller”; Yelawolf, “Let's Roll”
What this may reveal: Gordon is the only Dodger who knows what “fanute” means. (But he refuses to tell any of his teammates.) He likes NASCAR. He is in charge of the team's Free Max B fund.
Andre Ethier: Snoop Dogg, “Who Am I? (What's My Name?)”; Ice Cube, “Check Yo Self” remix; Delinquent Habits, “Tres Delinquentes”
What this may reveal: Ethier has an extensive wardrobe of oversized Ben Davis and Dickies. He knows every “diggity” in every Das EFX song. Never ask to borrow his Players Club DVD.
James Loney: Machine Gun Kelly, “Wild Boy”
What this may reveal: The Dodgers need to trade James Loney.
Tony Gwynn Jr.: E-40, “Function”; Game featuring E-40 & Big Boi, “Speakers on Blast”
What this may reveal: Great potential for fan appreciation nights with Tony Gwynn Jr. teaching you how to ghost ride the whip. He has Instagrammed photos of himself making the “thizz” face. He's hoping for a name drop on Game's next album.
Jerry Hairston: Swizz Beatz, “Top Down”; 50 Cent, “Get Up”
What this may reveal: Hairston is permanently trapped in a bizarro 2004. He is angling for an endorsement deal with Vitamin Water. He just donated $10,000 to a John Kerry-affiliated PAC. He has called Pedro Sandoval a “wanksta.”
Juan Uribe: El Negro 5 Estrellas; “Plomo Plomo”
What this may reveal: Uribe misses the old Los Globos.
Justin Sellers: Young Jeezy/Lil Wayne; “Ballin”
What this may reveal: Ladies swoon when Sellers and Hairston hit the clubs in their yellow Hummers, skinny jeans and Trukfit apparel.
Ivan De Jesus: will.i.am, “T.H.E. Hardest”
What this may reveal: I dunno. De Jesus must have a crush on Fergie or something.
Chad Billingsley: AC/DC, “T.N.T.”
What this may reveal: Billingsley just wants to chill and drink a Bud and play his music loud and you can't tell him what to do, bro.
Clayton Kershaw: One Republic, “All the Right Moves”
What this may reveal: Sometimes even a guy like Kershaw just gets in the mood and has to dance.
Javy Guerra: Cypress Hill, “Insane in the Brain”
What this may reveal: Guerra is despondent about the city council's decision to shutter medical marijuana dispensaries.
Todd Coffey: WWE, “Unstoppable”
What this may reveal: Coffey dates all events in his life to before and after Hulk Hogan lost to the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania VI.
Shane Victorino: Bob Marley, “Three Little Birds”
What this may reveal: Victorino's waiting for an off day so he can go to Malibu and catch some sweet waves and just … y'know … be.
Hanley Ramirez: Eminem featuring Lil Wayne, “No Love”
What this may reveal: Ramirez is not afraid to hit in clutch, late-inning situations and freestyle at open mic nights.
AJ Ellis: The Killers, “Jenny”
What this may reveal: A.J. Ellis is writing a book about this season, in sonnet form.
See also: Our Matt Kemp profile in our People issue
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