What Assumption Would You Make? Ashley Wallens on Facing the System as Domestic Violence Victim

Marriage at its core should be a path of love, partnership, and overcoming life’s obstacles side by side. Ashley Wallens’s journey was a Reign of Terror, referring to nearly three years spent as a victim of daily abuse and aggression that left forever-lasting scars on both the body and the soul. Though freed from the shackles of domestic violence, Ashley’s struggles were really just beginning—this time, revolving around systemic deficiencies, destroyed custodial rights, and receiving punishment for enduring heinous beatings.

The Reign of Terror in Ashley’s second marriage started with the partner’s raging desire for divorce. In retrospect, the choice to abuse instead of communicate was driven by the partner’s desire to ignite an aggressive response and place Ashley in a losing position in court. Little did they know that even without reacting violently, Ashley was taken advantage of, falling victim not only to abuse but to an unjust system that favors one side.

In the wake of Ashley’s tormenter’s arrest, things only got worse. Ashley’s first partner maliciously exploited the system’s bias, declaring an emergency, stealing full custody, and viciously erasing Ashley from the young son’s life—a case that eventually, sadly, and unfairly was won. The case was based on a villainized victim status, which blamed Ashley for ‘allowing an unhealthy environment for raising a child.’ The judge concluded, “You were doomed the moment you walked in here.”

“My only offense was getting struck, yet somehow that makes me guilty of child abuse,” Ashley shares. “For years, we excelled as co-parents, sharing responsibilities and even double-dating with our new spouses. Suddenly, I haven’t seen or spoken to my son in nearly three years. We never even got to say goodbye.”

This case exemplifies the essence of #MeToo, Time’s Up, and other movements created to empower abused women and expose the monstrous crimes they endured. Since their prominence in the media, these initiatives have made great progress for victims, offering support, housing, understanding, and thousands of people ready to march for justice. For Ashley, that was not the case, and the reason is clear—gender bias.

A man who found the courage to rise above toxic masculinity and societal stigmas to share his story, Ashley got tangled up in courtroom drama, and he lost his only child and reputation. For the first time, he shares his harrowing story, torn by anger and ruined by one-sided authorities that favor women, illuminating the truth behind a system that is meant to serve justice—as long as it’s for women.

Q: As someone who felt the impact of stereotypes on your own skin, what impact do you believe they have on society?

Ashley: The world views men as perpetrators and women as victims. It’s as simple as that. But what’s interesting is that, according to the Centers for Disease Control, in 70% of relationships grappling with one-sided abuse, it is the woman who is the offender. Men are already reluctant to share their stories, and I can see why. I called the police on 15 separate occasions, each time documenting my wife’s latest assault. But it wasn’t until my father, a physician and mandatory reporter, called that they did something. Even then, after seeing the blood on my face and watching videos of her hitting me, they needed a sergeant’s approval to arrest her. When people talk of domestic violence, men inherently feel the need to explain themselves. But as victims, we are silenced.

Q: Do these stereotypes permeate into the courtroom? Why did the body created for the sole purpose of serving justice fail to fulfill that promise in your case?

Ashley: These gender biases are engraved so deeply that society learned to conceal them under euphemisms. For ‘objectivity’ purposes, when you report a restraining order case, the judge is forbidden to know which side was arrested. But when 90% of the time, men are the ones who get reported, what assumption would you make? When I brought it to the attention of the legal authorities, the Assistant District Attorney said, ‘It’s clear you’ve been harmed, but there is just no appetite for male victims; it doesn’t move the needle.’

Q: Because of abuse, you have lost nearly everything, including a child. But from your experience, what do you feel precipitated the start of violence in your second marriage?

Ashley: I think it was a combination of my ex-wife’s anger management issues and not knowing how to communicate; whenever she encountered frustration, she would act out physically. When she realized she wanted a divorce, unlike most people who would have a conversation and put everything out in the open, she started hitting me. What she truly wanted was for me to react back and abuse her. That way, I would get arrested, and she would keep our entire house and savings. It never even occurred to me to hit her back!

Q: Considering she was your wife, someone you once thought you knew well and would love forever, do you think she planned it consciously, or did it spiral out of control?

Ashley: There is little doubt in my mind that she planned this; it was clear she was trying to get me to retaliate. It started off mild, with her not trying to injure me too severely. But as time went by and she failed to instigate sought-after retaliation, the attacks intensified. Each time she would beat me, she would warn, ‘If you tell anyone, you’ll lose your son.’ Little did I realize, she would see to it. Another key detail is that her mother, who proudly advertises herself as ‘The Velvet Hammer,’ is a renowned Portland divorce specialist known for helping female divorcees to poach all their husbands’ wealth and belongings. That’s why I know it was pre-meditated. She knew that, as a woman, she had all the free strikes she wanted. But if, as a man, I make one mistake, even out of instinct to defend myself, I would go to jail and lose everything. Males get zero leeway in this judicial system, which seeks only to get the matter over with, never to be reminded of it again.

Q: I imagine you tried everything in your power to get help. Did you find any organizations willing to help?

Ashley: The system is set up from the top down in a manner that perpetuates prejudice and enshrines gender discrimination, kids’ wellbeing be damned. For example, just a few blocks from me, there’s a legal aid foundation specializing in assisting victims of domestic violence. So naturally I contacted them. Like others who’ve learned of this sordid saga, they could hardly believe the savagery of it all before expressing solemn regret that they’re unable to help me. Asked why, they conceded, ‘Because we’re simply not set up to defend men.’

Q: Going back to your biggest loss on this journey—your son—why do you feel your ex-wife felt the need to steal him from you? And altogether erase you from his life?

Ashley: I believe she needed me in my son’s life as he was growing up. We were both newly single, and she knew that every son needs a father. Everything was going smoothly; I coached his baseball and soccer teams and was able to be there for all the important moments in his early life. But a few years later, after both of us had remarried, she spotted her opportunity to wrest total custody and took it, mercilessly. On Thanksgiving 2021, she sprung her attack, making this the 4th consecutive holiday season since she ruthlessly deleted me from my son’s life. And her crime repeats daily; each morning when I am awake, it’s again perpetrated. I hope he’s okay. On the other hand, I hope he’s not alright with what she’s done. I don’t want him to grow up thinking this heinous situation was right. On one occasion, he tried to contact me, but his mother put a swift end to that, too.

Q: Are you still holding out hope?

Ashley: Hope’s all but faded. Hope implies there’s a chance for improvement. I persisted in trying for so long. And Justice loathes me for it. Even if I were to regain custody, there’s no making up from my son’s formative years that this violent woman stole from us. But I would say I’m holding out a wish—a wish that someday justice will prevail and my son will have his father back. But hope? Scant.

Q: And what would justice look like to you, Ashley?

Ashley: The orders lifted and frankly reversed. Her admitting in court that she lied and being made to pay for what she did to me and our son. Along with holding the system accountable for happily destroying my life, out of bias and misplaced retribution. That’s what justice would look like to me. I want people to know what happened here. But this much I can say for a fact: as the judge himself menaced, my critical mistake was getting hit. #MenToo are victims, and the blithe ignorance of presumed authorities, judges, and police doesn’t help, it destroys innocents.  That they all just watched it happen might be the biggest travesty of it all.