Stirling GardnerWhat do you think of when you hear the word “tantra”? The first thing that comes to mind is Sting and his legendary sexual prowess. I've heard stories about Sting being able to have a seven-hour orgasm, something along the lines of, “Yeah, his wife is cool with his having sex with other women. He's so good at it, she wants him to share himself with other women.” Or so the conversation went among my guy friends and me.
Truth is, I've been intrigued by tantra for years. I wanted to know exactly how a seven-hour orgasm worked. I wanted to know how to take a woman to the moon and back so that she'd be so proud she'd want other women to experience my skills. Maybe, just maybe, I could be Sting-lite.
Recently, I got my shot. I went to a weekend workshop created by a woman named Charu Morgan. Her website said there would be no nudity or sexual contact which, on one had, was a relief and on the other, a giant bummer.
Upon arriving, the first thing I realized is that people from all walks of life are interested in tantra. I had the naïve notion that the workshop would be filled with only beautiful sexy young people, especially because we were in Los Angeles. This was not the case.
Charu explained to the newbies that Tantra is “meditation during sex,” which was not good news, because I am terrible at meditating.
Charu lead us through our first exercise, going back in time to various ages and trying to remember moments when we felt loved. I could hardly come up with any. Turns out, everyone else had the same trouble. “If you don't remember being loved, how does this affect your ability to love now?” Charu asked. She went on to say that if you can't be present with yourself, you can't possibly be present with your partner. Uhhh … 
The rest of the weekend consisted of exercises focused on creating an awareness of what our beliefs about sex are and how they're held in our bodies. Small groups formed and we all shared our sexual histories with three other people. A sweet German man told the heartbreaking story of his first love who left him for another man. He was there to feel love again. An older lady talked of the sexual abuse she endured from a neighbor and how it has affected her relationships to this day. And finally, there was the sweet and nerdy gentlemen who I would never in a million years expect to be at a tantra workshop (along with his wife). They got married very young and decades later were looking for a way to deepen their connection and improve their sex lives. This kind of unfiltered honesty makes you incredibly raw and the vulnerability makes you feel close to people who only an hour earlier were virtual strangers.
Here I thought I was going to learn how to have sex for seven hours; instead, some serious epiphanies sucker punched me.
At the end of day two, the men went into a separate room to be with each other and prepare for the final event. As we were gathering ourselves to re-enter the room as empowered men, Charu's male partner asked if anyone didn't feel they were at a level of 10 (feeling good). I raised my hand trying not to lose my composure and said, “I realized this weekend that I have never had one sexual experience in my entire life where the only goal was me trying to get the woman to like or love me more. I have no idea how to have connected sex with someone.” And with that, I broke down. I felt ashamed, but then I listened to every single guy in the room (all 15 of them) say they felt or have felt the same way. Relief poured over me because even though I didn't have the tantric answer yet, I did have company.
I can't share what the last ritual was, but I will tell you that it was beautiful. I left the weekend having learned that men and women have the same sexual hang-ups, fears and fantasies. The things that keep us from connecting with one another are universal. And tantra gives you the tools to first figure out what those things are and then to realign your beliefs. With these tools you can connect with yourself, so that you can then be connected to your partner. Tantra is self-discovery experienced through your sensual body.
I look forward to the day I experience that connection for the first time.
If you're interested in learning more about tantra, I highly recommend Charu's class Embody Tantra.
Stirling Gardner can be found on Facebook and Twitter.
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