I'm into fat chicks. I run a blog about this subject because, even though I'm not alone (oh, not even close) it's still rare for dudes to come out and say it. Last year, LA Weekly's sister paper Village Voice did a whole story about me and some of my friends. And while the phrase “fat chicks” makes some people wince, I use it to counter the “No Fat Chicks” bullshit you see on t-shirts.
So the chicks I consider hot didn't exactly have a shot at our Sexiest Female Musicians poll (in an L.A. paper? Are you nuts?), but my editor was nice enough to let me pay tribute to ten women who make a pretty good case for hotness at any size.
10. Jill Scott
Jill Scott's sensuality is so casual — easy, suave, comforting — that she's a role model for millions just for coming off like, “Oh. Am I fat? I didn't notice.” This is all done while sitting on your lap and rubbing her home-designed bra-fitters in your face. Adele could learn something from Scott's ability to look tasteful without abjuring the bodily fluids.
9. Missy Elliott
So what if she donned a garbage bag and tried to de-sexualize her image for years before creating some of the best, horniest hits of the 2000s? “Work It,” “Get Ur Freak On,” “One Minute Man” — there is no one freakier, and, what's more, she made selling points out of her “thick legs” and “chubby waist.” She said it, not me: “Keep your eyes on my badompadomp-domp.”
8. Ann Wilson
I'm sure plenty of horny '70s boys pulled their barracuda to Nancy. But I absolutely guarantee you that half the ones who told you they did were really jerking it to the thought of Ann “down on [her] knees.”
Pose on NME's cover butt-naked? Check. Shoot transgender porn (link NSFW) for a lesbian mag while on her period? Check. Jiggle her belly rolls in your fucking face dripping in showbiz sweat? Check. Beth Ditto don't give a fuck. You'll like it and ask for more.
6. Maya Ford/Donna F
The Donnas are so much cuter than the Spice Girls ever were, not least because of their chubdorable bassist, whose shy pout and pigtailed hotness aren't seen nearly enough in the “40 Boys and 40 Nights” video, or — come to think of it — any of their clips. Come on girls, share the girth.
5. (Fat) Louise Post
It's nearly impossible to find evidence now (TMZ should be disgusted with itself), but shortly after (underrated!) grunge hotties Veruca Salt dropped off the charts and Nina Gordon left to be an ill-fated pop princess, co-leader Louise Post went blonde and blew up like crazy. Looked cute, too. She's since slimmed back down for the most part and is plenty foxy without the cushioning, but how many quasi-celebs can boast equal hotness in two almost completely different bodies?
Okay, okay, she's also the most famous pop star in the world. At least shorty got rid of those fucking shawls already.
3. Etta James
Wanted to steer clear of listing dead folks for taste reasons, but I couldn't help this one. I dare anyone who claims they won't bone a lady upwards of 200 pounds to claim that Etta wasn't red hot.
2. Candye Kane
Unknown to most Adele fans and revered in fat-positive circles, blues-howling mama Candye Kane shared stages with Black Flag and Los Lobos in her youth, did '80s porn to support the kid she had at 17 and is currently beating cancer for the second time. Needless to say she's more than earned the album title, The Toughest Girl Alive. And then there's her burlesque-esque concerts, in which she plays piano with her huge boobs.
1. Renata Celidonio
I have no idea who this woman is, but damn.