Brennan FoleyWe know you broads think any blow job is a good blow job. That guys are just happy you're there, putting the dick in your mouth.
But if that were the case, we'd get blow jobs from other dudes who have the equipment and know what feels good and what doesn't.
Some broad recently wrote an article about five kissing mistakes that guys make, which seems to insinuate only men do certain shitty things when they kiss and women don't when, in fact, a bad kisser is a bad kisser regardless of gender.
The blow job, however, is another story. When it comes to kissing, men and women both have lips and therefore most of us know how to use them. But women don't have dicks, so it's not uncommon to find one who thinks she's gnawing on a corn cob instead of handling a delicate instrument of pleasure.
In worst case scenarios, there will be a jerk, a shriek of pain or a swift palm strike to the side of your head if you're really a hack. In less extreme instances, you'll just be deemed unsatisfactory as a sexual partner, your number will be lost and you'll be forgotten about.
So, consider this our public service announcement.
1. The Shaft Scraper
Put that thing away.
The biggest mistake a woman can make and will immediately get her added to the do not call list is being too toothy. Any contact of the teeth with the penis is unacceptable. The worst is when you scrape your teeth up and down the shaft.
Open your damn mouth wide enough to keep your teeth out of the equation. We know it isn't comfortable or normal, but you'll get used to it. When you do, you'll learn that you'll be able to make friends and influence people much better than before.
2. The Tip Taker
Come on. Put it all in there.
Just in case you weren't aware, there's a whole cock there. It's more than just the tip. Yeah, OK, that's the most sensitive part and we know the whole thing looks intimidating, but you have try to get more than just the head in your mouth.
Get down the shaft and even work the balls into the mix and you'll have a happy man. You know that porn flick you've seen where the guy is ramming the chick's head up and down on his dick and she's gagging? That's because she probably wasn't taking it all in, and he simply took matters into his own hands.
3. The No-hander
This one's too easy.
Yeah, it's true. Blow jobs are about sucking cock. While there's absolutely no reason you should confuse it with a hand job and stop using your mouth, there's no reason you should only be using your oral orifice to get the job done.
If we just wanted to feel the inside of a wet hole we could have shoved our dicks in a pail of worms or an apple pie, like in that movie we all saw. Not only will your hands save you from having to constantly deep throat the shaft, but it's key to a well-rounded blow job.
So stroke that shaft and cup those balls!
4. The Spitter
Don't even think about it.
I honestly haven't come across one of these in a while. That is, women who think it's OK to spit after they take a load in their mouth. They're out there, though. Some will spit it back on you, others will spit it on the floor, and others will run to the bathroom and spit it out.
It's an unbelievable turn-off to witness you spit out our seed as though it's sour milk rather than show us how much you like the taste our own come. It's already in your damn mouth, so just swallow it! Nothing makes a guy want to kiss you less and call you a cab faster than a broad who can't handle a load.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Ladies, if you're going to spit don't you DARE dribble it all over him. It's one thing not to swallow, but to cover himself with what he'd rather see all over your face is insulting. Suck it up.]
5. The Finger Jammer
There'd better be lube nearby.
Some guys like a finger up their asses. It's definitely not the worst thing when performed at the right time in the right fashion – and with some prior warning. What is the worst thing is when you suddenly find a dry finger – WHAM! – jammed up the butt mid-BJ.
I know most women can relate to this because some idiot has surely tried to randomly jam a dick or thumb up their asses, too. So they should know it doesn't feel good when the tables are turned!
These operations are delicate. They require finesse, not force. They also require lubrication of some sort. I know it's a lot to ask, but if you want to get into that area, have a little common sense.
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