Drew TewksburySometimes musicians should stick to making music. Lots of musicians endorse or make products that lie outside their expertise, lending their name to products that have, let's say, questionable quality. Regardless of whether it's Rap Snacks or 50 Cent jimmy hats, these are products you don't want landing in your stocking this Christmas. So in honor of those who have been more naughty than nice this year, we have compiled a few lumps of coal provided by some misguided musicians. Let's hope your stocking stays blissfully devoid of these terrible musician-endorsed stocking stuffers:
Questionable quality: Must be filtered through Rob Zombie's beard.
9. “Fancy” Perfume by Jessica Simpson
Questionable quality: By the look of this bottle, “Fancy” must smell like Golden Girls' farts.
8. Kiss Wine
Questionable quality: May or may not be distilled from Gene Simmon's tongue juice.
7. Rap Snacks
Questionable quality: In theory Rap Snacks look like a lot of fun, but I'm pretty sure Dirt McGirt Onion chips taste like ODB's Reeboks.
6. Celebrity Sweat workout video by Nelly
Questionable quality: Nelly seems to have taken off all his clothes BEFORE it got hot in there.
5. 50 Cent's Magic Stick Condoms
Questionable quality: Ok, 50's jimmy hats didn't actually hit the mainstream market, but if you do find one, consider yourself lucky. If you actually use one, however, perhaps you should seek medical help. Immediately. From 50 himself: “But it just didn't work out because I wanted things in it that wouldn't work. I wanted things that would prolong sexual performance. You could just put it on and just go.” Apparently, 50's thunderdong chemicals had some “complications.”
4. Miley Cyrus Jewelry
Questionable quality: Attention Wal-Mart shoppers, Miley Cyrus' necklaces were pulled from the shelves earlier this year after they were found to have high levels of the toxic chemical cadmium. Cadmium can be a carcinogen if ingested, but is also WAY cheaper than meth. Bad news for Miley fans, good news for meth heads.
3. Glenn Danzig's Kitty Litter
Earlier this year, we witnessed Glenn Danzig providing the answer that he pondered in his song, “Wicked Pussycat:” “Evil kittykat, what's it take to hear you purr?” Apparently it's just some fresh kitty litter. Really does the trick.
Motorhead's Lemmy has pondered auctioning off his face nubs. You don't want to reach into a stocking and pull out Lemmy bits. Trust me. Just follow them on Twitter. It's much safer.
And the number one musician-endorsed stocking stuffer is…
Questionable quality: While wearing this you will be surrounded by the smell of punk's death by sell-out.
Bonus!
Best Stocking stuffer of the year: Dan Charnas' book “The Big Payback”
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