Mary CarreonDrinks at shows are super overpriced. And most venues don't bother to stock the good stuff — they rarely have that lovely Argentine Malbec we're craving. What to do?
Enter the Wine Rack. It's basically like a flask mixed with a Wonderbra. It holds a full bottle of wine — or the equivalent of two bottles of beer or twenty shots. It comes with a straw and it's supposedly very discreet, even as it increases your chest by two cup sizes.
Cheap booze and bigger boobs? Sounds too good to be true. So, we put it to the test ourselves, at the Atoms For Peace concert at the Santa Barbara Bowl last month. Don't try this at home, kids, we're professionals!
Before the Wine Rack; Credit: Mary Carreon
After we got the thing in the mail, we tried it on. It's oddly stiff, with intensely detailed instructions. And since we were all out of the good stuff, we filled the bra with Franzia. Pouring wine from the spigot into a plastic boob shaped sack is a lot harder than it sounds, but we pulled it off.
Then we strapped it on. Crap, the swooping neck line of the shirt we wanted to wear isn't going to work with the full-coverage, granny-style wine bra. Crap. But once we found the right shirt to wear, viola! Instant Dolly Parton.
After the Wine Rack; Credit: Mary Carreon
Our experience went like this:
6:33 pm: Driving over, boyfriend in tow. Omg this Franzia is spilling everywhere. Maybe we should have read those detailed instructions.
7:15pm: We have arrived. A little worried about getting caught by security when we enter. But thankfully it's a chillier night, so hopefully our coat and scarf combination will hide the evidence.
Covering up the evidence; Credit: Mary Carreon
7:26pm: We're feeling slightly top heavy right now. A face plant may or may not be in our near future.
7:43pm: Finally about to walk into the Santa Barbara Bowl.
7:46pm: Security is checking our bag… So close, yet so far!
7:48pm: The security guys says he likes our scarf. Wonder if he just means he likes our rack?
7:50pm: And just like that, we made it through.
7:56pm: Jeez this wine rack is heavy. Now we understand why women get breast reductions. Fortunately, all we need to do is get to drinkin'!
The Wine Rack, unpacked; Credit: Mary Carreon
8:10pm: Atoms For Peace has started their set, and we have started drinking. Gulping, actually.
8:25pm: Flea looks pretty good in his skirt. Come to think of it, he could probably pull of a wine rack.
8:30pm: Maybe it's just the Franzia talking, but Atoms For Peace is amazing.
8:50pm We've somehow only just now noticed how awful this wine tastes.
9:15pm: Drunk! We are. And we didn't have to shell out a dime here at the venue. That's kind of like winning a boozehound gold medal!
Ok, maybe this wasn't our best photo. But we were drunk!; Credit: Mary Carreon
9:18pm: Watching Atoms For Peace under a full moon while drinking out of a wine bra with someone you love is oddly romantic.
9:25pm: We hope he doesn't just love us for our tatas, however, as those are rapidly extinguishing. We're pretty sure our bust isn't as big as it was walking in.
9:30pm: The bearded guy next to us just asked if he could have some of whatever we're drinking. That wouldn't be appropriate, now, would it?
9:31pm: Thom Yorke could have some though.
9:35pm: Oh Lord now we're scream-singing.
9:40pm: Now that they're playing Radiohead, it's all over. We just spilled wine out of our spigot.
9:56pm: They're finishing their set with the song “Black Swan,” which is the best song ever. Guess what? Wine bras are the best bras ever. How perfect!
10:00pm: The show is finished, and our wine bra is extinguished. We need a refill!
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