LA WeeklySee also:
*Top 20 Whitest Musicians of All-Time: 20-16
*Top 20 Whitest Musicians of All Time: 10-6
*Top 20 Whitest Musicians of All-Time: 5-1
*Top 20 Worst Bands of All Time
15. Michael McDonald
A yacht-rock refugee, McDonald took the blandest elements of his former bands Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers — smooth jazz keys, pinched falsetto harmonies, bass lines kidnapped from disco and beaten into funkless submission — and used them to launch an '80s blue-eyed soul career so totally devoid of actual soul it was almost genius. Has any artist ever soundtracked more happy hour hookups at Chili's, or provided more fodder for banal wedding bands? Michael, we salute you. -Andy Hermann
14. MC Paul Barman
In case the name didn't give it away, Paul Barman's sort of a cross between a Borscht Belt Richard Simmons and the guy at the front of your class waving his hand around and making the teacher go, “Anyone other than Paul?” Though he's not at all a natural fit for rap music, he's nonetheless very talented in a cheats-using-the-dictionary way: What fly honey could resist lines like “I won't use a dental dam 'cause it discourages my urges to submerge in her jizz” or “I like to suck toes / Yours secrete fructose”? He's also got a track, which is both whimsical and educational, called “Burping and Farting.” -Dan Weiss
Credit: Katy Baugh
13. Moby
You could hardly get any whiter than hanging out with Moby and a bunch of club kids in platform sneakers in the early 1990s. Sure, techno was black music, created in Detroit in tandem with the “Planet Rock” breakdance revolution, but by the time it hit midtown New York it was a bro-fest fueled by the whitest drug since aspirin, ecstasy. Moby moved on the hard stuff, too: organic tea. Sure, Play sampled deep South blues. So did Led Zeppelin. -Dennis Romero
12. Jack White
Even beyond his name, Jack White is about as white as they come, both literally (does he ever go out into the sun? Dude must have a Vitamin D deficiency) and when it comes to his music. His songs are often little more than de-fanged blues, lacking the passion and grizzled realness that makes the genre speak to so many people. -Linda Leseman
Credit: Keith Klenowski
11. The National
The National chose their name because it was “benign and meaningless,” according to an interview with frontman Matt Berninger in The Scenestar. This is apparently also the guiding principle behind their music. You can catch a band that sounds a lot like The National any Friday night doing open mics in coffee shops in affluent suburbs from sea to shining sea. As if their adult album alternative radio sound weren't the most white bread thing since the death of Liberace, they also play benefits for Tibet with Vampire Weekend. Someone get these guys venti cups of Starbucks and get it over with. -Nicholas Pell
See also:
*Top 20 Whitest Musicians of All-Time: 20-16
*Top 20 Whitest Musicians of All Time: 10-6
*Top 20 Whitest Musicians of All-Time: 5-1
*Top 20 Musicians of All Time, in Any Genre
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