Jeff Weiss
Dear Senator Obama,
In the words of the Gods, “[McCain] wants to use all your lines ahead of time before you got the chance to shine on all your own shit…they hear you tryin' to say one word then here they come tryin' to flip it on bounce on some bullshit.”
You were the change candidate–now McCain's trying to shark your message. Think what Ghost and Rae would do. They'd come up with some more fly shit and then look for some Butter Pecan Ricans. Michelle will probably not be having the last option, so instead continue to refine your message and keep drawing attention to the hypocrisy of McCain's campaign's contrived and copied narrative. And in the debates, go hard at your rival , tell him to get his own shit and be original and stop stealing album covers. Also, start rocking Wallabees in blue and cream.
As Sarah “Just Another Case of That Ol' PTA” Palin's rise has taught us, Americans love mean-spirited sarcasm. When McPalin start in with the condescending jeers, taunt right back. He wants to try to call you a famous celebrity like Paris Hilton? Fine. Don't respond with pleasant niceties calling for a focus on the issues. Mock him dismissively. Ask if he's jealous? Tell him you can get him Paris Hilton's phone number. Who knows, maybe he'll bite. God knows it wouldn't be the first time he's chased after a young, rich, pill-popping blonde.
<
En Vogue-“My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna' Get It)”
Who does this remind you of?
“Had your chance [26 years] to make a change, never ever gonna' get it.”
“Now you promise me the moon and stars, save your breath [probably sound medical advice] you won't get very far.”
“Gave you many chances to make change, the only thing you changed was love to hate.”
Shit, this song could be an attack ad in and of itself. Plus, the beat's based on a sample of James Brown's “Payback.” You've been getting punked of late. Sure, you've proved you can do wheelin' and you can do dealin' but it's time for scrapping (and rapping). So sayeth the Godfather of Soul.
Common-“I Used To Love H.E.R.”
This bullet is to be saved for the debates. Wait for the ideal moment and then unleash a diatribe about how much you used to respect John McCain for his bi-partisanship, integrity and virtue and how much credibility he lost in your eyes when he sold out and starting hangin' with ho's from the West. Tell him when he got money he did it like a dummy. Or, you can always just play him “The Bitch in You.”
Dr. Dre-“Deez Nuts”
Sometimes, it's just fun to tell someone to get “Deez Nuts.” Should be prefaced by first asking McCain if “what's his name and them tried to get at you?”
Jay-Z : “Dirt Off Your Shoulder”
Don't let the negativity and bullshit cloud your outlook, nor stop you from continuing to hammer in your core message . I don't need to explain, you know what to do.
Bob Dylan-“Idiot Wind”
This is what they reportedly call the wind in Wasilla, Alaska.
Big L-“Fed Up With the Bullshit”
One of the central reasons for your campaign's success has been its ability to tap into the nation's disenchantment with the status quo. One of the most powerful moments of the Democratic Convention came when you forcefully declared “enough,” with the skullduggery and incompetency of the last eight years. However, winning won't come down to whether you offer change, it'll be about whether people believe you can deliver it. Unfortunately, it's doubtful that more than a handful of still-undecided voters will take the time to read complicated public policy proposals. To be victorious, you'll need to boil down your solutions into bite-sized 30 second commercial sound-bites and witty one-liners. Is this inane? Of course, but so was the “pitbull with lipstick line” and look how much traction that got.
Organized Konfusion-“Bring It On”
Keep on continuing to press the theme that John McCain represents four more years of George “Bring It On” Bush. Particularly, with the economy in tatters and the financial system in the midst of collapse. Who better than the mad preacher Pharoahe Monch to summon a sermon indirectly inveighing against the warped foundation of this decade. On second thought, maybe you've had enough mad preachers for one election.
2Pac-“Hit 'Em Up”
This is your break-glass-in-case-of-energy, nuclear option. But if the mud-slinging and outright lies continue to increase, you are faced with no choice but to pull out the most sharp-fanged attacks your 527's can conceive. Cindy McCain wears $300,000 dresses and used to be a drug addict. It's all about Versace, McCain copied your style and plus, he's old, he might have sickle cell or something. You can even say you fucked Todd Palin's wife. Anything is fair game.
Bonus:
Snoop Dogg ft. Nate Dogg & Kurupt-“Ain't No Fun (If the Homies Can't Have None”)
To show the Party of “Hoosiers for the Hottie,” the true meaning of sexism, because apparently they aren't exactly sure what it means. In Snoop' s defense, at least his definition of misogyny sounded good at a party.
Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.