I've got a professional – and HOT – stripper within arm's reach, so I thought to ask her to give strip club fans across the country some advice.

Whether you're a tittie-bar first-timer or a hardcore connoisseur, here are some etiquette guidelines for how to best behave at a gentleman's club.

  • 1. Buy at least a couple of drinks and a few dances while you're there. The venue doesn't just provide free cable – the club, its hot bartenders, and talented dancers rely on you to be a patron, not a parasite.
  • 2. Offer a gal a cocktail if you're interested in spending time with her, and if you're not interested in a lap dance please be polite when turning her down.
  • 3. If you are sitting around the stage you should tip at least one dollar per song, per performer. When there are a few of you in a group, you should all be spending money, not just one dude.
  • 4. Speaking of money, if you give a girl $5 she will spend more time with you than if you gave her a dollar. Entertainers have to pay to work (it's called a 'house fee') and, similar to a waitress, they work to make tips.

    • You can look, but you can't grope.

    You can look, but you can't grope.

  • 5. Know the rules of the club. Each one is different; some allow more “mileage” (contact) than others. Ask your individual stripteuse what her boundaries are.
  • 6. This is the ultimate “pretend first date” experience. Guys are there to live out a fantasy and the girls are there to sell it – not act it out with you. No touching means no touching.
  • 7. Please don't ask for their phone numbers – the dancers are not there to date you. They are not private escorts; they provide a public service in a R-rated playground environment.

    • You'd better damn tip her.

    You'd better damn tip her.

  • 8. The pole artists prefer when you don't ask for their real names. They all have alter egos and tend to keep their private lives private.
  • 9. New to an establishment? Befriend the VIP host. He'll help you find the blonde, brunette, redhead, Black, Asian or Latina you're looking for. Tip this guy $20 (or more) and you'll be guaranteed to have the best seat in the house.
  • 10. How you dress and present yourself is important. You're there to impress. Body odor is bad. Please shower prior to going out and chew gum for pleasant breath. Ladies approach the men who look and smell clean.
  • 11. Don't get too wasted. The women don't want you vomiting in the bathroom or having buyer's remorse the next day – plus they want you to get home safely.

    • And the final tip? Here's one for the females:

    Your vagina doesn't give you a free pass.

    Your vagina doesn't give you a free pass.

  • 12. A message for the chicks who come in with their men: Don't worry. The strippers respect that you're a couple and do not want to steal him from you. But the “no touching” rule applies to you too missy – just because you're the same sex doesn't mean you can grope the girls. And if you wear a miniskirt that hikes up to your waist when you are getting a lap dance, please wear underwear and wash your vagina. Dancers notice everything when they are between your legs.

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