Siran BabayanThough it'll be in syndication until Octo-mom's children have children of their own, The Golden Gays are bringing The Golden Girls back into the prime time of our hearts. As they prepared for opening night of the show's two-week run at Casita del Campo in Silver Lake (followed by another run at the Complex Hollywood), Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche and Rose — as reincarnated by David Romano, John W. McLaughlin, John Blaine Downey III and Irwin Moskowitz — took time to answer some of our burning questions. Estelle Getty and Bea Arthur, by the way, are not dead, they're just resting.
How do you feel about that bitch Heidi Klum and the rest of Project Runway taking over the Golden Girls' time slot on the Lifetime network?
Sophia: I like the gay guy a lot, but I can't understand a word the blonde bimbo is saying.
Dorothy: Well, let's just see who Lifetime comes crawling back to when Ms. Klum's
15 minutes are up. Who wants to watch abunch of fashionista wannabees cutting up cheap fabric anyway? One day you're in, the next day you're on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
Blanche: Heidi is a doll. I've bumped into her several times at the Beverly Glen Market with that fine specimen of a man of hers when I was buying my produce. You know what they say, good shows will play again in reruns. Plus, Heidi and I are like sisters under the skin. We both have fabulous legs. And there is only a slight age difference. So I'm not jealous.
Rose: Couldn't care less. (You'll find that Rose's answers are a little shorter. That's because she didn't understand them and the other girls got tired of explaining.)
What do you think of shows like Sex and City and Desperate Housewives stealing the all-female ensemble comedy concept?
S: With age comes wisdom, and maybe a little more talent.
D: Let's just say sometimes the rough drafts come after the master copies.
B: We'll you know Mister Mark Cherry worked on our little show in the '80s, and I think he is doing a lovely tribute to honoring our girls with his new cast. Don't tell anyone, but I think there is a little bit of Blanche in all those Desperate Housewives. The innocence of Susan. The sultriness of Edie and Gabby. The strong stature of Bree. Now Lynette is a different story; working for her husband, popping pills. Blanche would never do anything like that. She is too refined. Now those girls in Sex and The City, I just adore them. Everybody wants to be able to wear those amazing frocks like Carrie (which, of course, I can). You know I admire that Charlotte because who else would let an artist do a portrait of her vagina (except Blanche)? I know Dorothy will probably go on and on about Miranda. But honey she needs help. I mean, if a man wants you to roll over and get on top you, you know Blanche would ride him like he was her own personal Trigger, until he started singing “Happy Trails.” But no one takes the cake like that diva Samantha. She is the HBO version of me.
R: See number one.
How's Dorothy's ex-husband Stan? Is the yutz still showing up unannounced and eating you out of house and home?
S: All I can say is that Stan is like a boomerang. It always comes back and sometimes it hits you right in the head.
D: Stan never ate me out of anything. Yes, that's exactly what I mean. He's recently opened up a new business peddling horse-hair toupees.
B: Well, he only ate me out once, well, twice. Maybe three times. But it was really no big deal. That happens to me all the time.
R: Don't know him.
Is Shady Pines still open? Does Dorothy still fantasize about putting Sophia back in a retirement home?
S: Don't tell Dorothy, but I only told her that it burnt down. She'll believe anything.
D: I actually fantasize about putting her in the trunk of Blanche's Buick and driving off a cliff, but apparently some consider that elder abuse. I heard that since the fire, Shady Pines has re-opened as a bordello for the rich and flaccid.
B: You know, I really don't think Dorothy could ever really do that. We all love Sophia and she keeps us on our toes and in stitches. Since it is my house, Sophia gets to stay!
R: Don't know.
The Golden Gays
With celebrity cougars like Demi Moore around, have any of you been dating much younger men?
S: Just last week I dated a guy who is 75. I'm still trying to recover.
D: Younger men are often far too sheltered and are afraid of me because I'm so tall.
B: Honey, I have been doing it for years. After all, I still get carded at the store. So it comes naturally to me. But I must confess, after the show went off the air, I did settle down again. I met this fine, younger gentleman and we got married on December 12, 1997, and have been together ever since. So I give a shout out to all the tigresses out there.
R: Is Ashton Kutcher available?
Since becoming available in 1998, how has Viagra affected your sex lives?
S: At my age, anything that stays stiff for too long is dangerous.
D: You seem to know a lot about it, LA Weekly. Why don't you tell me?
B: Well you know Blanche. Any man who gets around me is not going to need a little blue bill to turn his engine on, or warm up his bike seat. In fact, for a while, Dr. Ruth was sending me her patients to fix their erectile dysfunction.
R: It's made it harder.
Do any of you have sex tapes we shouldn't know about it?
S: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
D: Blanche has an armoire dedicated to them. You can see much of her work at www.sluttyseniorcitizens.com.
B: Well, if I did, they would be best sellers honey. But honestly, in researching this role, I heard that “Blaine” was out tricking. And when his gentleman caller was drooling as he laid sprawled across the bed, I think he said something to the effect of: “It will last longer if you take a picture.” So, I'm hoping that doesn't get out on the Internet and reveal Blanche's secret — that she's still stealth!
R: Yes. Yes.
Are you all still consuming a lot of cheesecake? Have you discovered Pinkberry?
S: Let me ask you, is Pink Berry some kind of gay fruit?
D: I discovered my pinkberry when I was 12. And of course we still eat cheesecake. Does a bear shit in the forest?
B: I don't know what a Pink Berry is, but if I had to gander, it would probably be something that a lesbian would be into. And that is one thing that Blanche is not into. I would not go dutch, just all the way. I would eat cheesecake if the producer would buy some, but it's probably a good thing since I've got to keep that size two figure.
R: Don't know.
How would you feel if Octo-mom moved to Miami?
S: All I could say to her is, “What are you, nuts?”
D: That depends on if any of her kids wind up looking like Mario Lopez.
B: No offense, but La Habra? Orange County? Behind the Orange Curtain? These are just not places that Blanche would go. I'm more of a 90077, 90069, 90049, 90067 and 90024 type of gal.
R: Wouldn't like it.
Do any of you use Twitter? What about Facebook?
S: I don't know what a Twitter or Facebook is, but it sounds like something Blanche would use.
D: Blanche uses her Twitter all the time. I've walked in on her more than once using her Twitter. She often uses her cell phone to Twitter in public. I know nothing of this FacePlace you speak of.
B: I tweet all the time. I have two accounts, of course. One for my fans and for my gentleman callers.
R: No. Yes.
The Golden Gays runs through September 27 at The Cavern Club at Casita Del Campo and
October 1-24 at the Complex Hollywood.
Check out this video clip from The Golden Gays:
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