It's hard to recommend a sex toy to someone, especially when they're total newbs to the idea of putting something near their vaginas/assholes/etc. that isn't connected to a human being.

Before recommending something in particular I must be sure to introduce you to the world of the sexcessory. These sex toys and tools serve several purposes:

• Insertion: Great for that “filled up” feeling in the vagina or anus – in a good way. Stretching the skin with a dildo makes the thousands of nerve endings in your clit (and hundreds in your other nether regions) even more accessible, which means that “Oh yes” feeling turns to “Ohgod ohgod ohgod” in seconds.

Pair that feeling with the good ol' innnnn and oooouuuut movement of a slippery phallus and you'll feel your eyes roll to the back of your head. Or make it fast and you'll feel like you're being fucked exactly the way you want without the hassle of having someone to kick out of your bed later that night.

Or if you're one of “those,” the dildo also can be used as a fun foreplay or oral sex accompaniment for her. As an alternative to his fingers, slowly moving a dildo in and out while he licks will turn ordinary cunnilingus into a very special episode.

|

law logo2x bButt (see what I did there?) wait – insertion into the backdoor can offer the same stretchy benefits while hitting a cluster of nerve endings you never thought would exist in such a stereotypically scary place. And you don't have to move something in and out to benefit.

It's called a butt plug for a reason.

These fascinating little tools go in and stay there – assuming you've selected one designed with the anus in mind. That means it has a “flanged” base – a narrow base with a flared end that, quite frankly, keeps it in place. Cuz when you come hard your muscles contract, and without that special flare your body is capable of essentially sucking that thing inside, and that's a mood killer. Trust me.

• law logo2x bLubrication: It's slippery when wet and that's always a good thing when you're horizontal…or propped up against the wall or car door. Lubricants – available made from all kinds of ingredients, from synthetic silicone to organic seaweeds and plant materials you'd never think would feel so damn good inside – are your friend and the more the better.

DISCLAIMER: You're not “damaged” if you need lube. It means your body didn't moisten itself up quite enough to take the railing you've got in mind. So apply liberally and reapply the instant you need it – lubes don't stay lubey forever, especially during the railing process (the friction causes moisture to evaporate, making many lubes stickier than slippier).

Just choose wisely when picking out a lube. Some ingredients might not make your vag or butthole (or mouth) happy so read the labels. There are so many natural options out there, too, so if you're into that Wholefoods vegan b.s. there are even lubes out there for you!

There's a crash course for you. We all know you don't want to be sitting here reading page after page about sex toy varietals – “This one features a hint of oak and finishes smooth” – but if you're looking to learn a bit more, I recommend clicking HERE or HERE or even HERE .

Or email Barbie.Davenporte@gmail.com. I work weekends.

Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.