Marty (Steve Buscemi) has been tasked by his mean boss lady (Carrie Brownstein) at Produce Sales Headquarters to make celery go viral - a la kale. "Celery is limp!" she fumes. But he's an "old school guy" and all he's been able to come up with so far are Bloody Marys and "ants on a log." ("You're a good guy and that's a good snack!" his supportive wife, also played by Brownstein, insists.)
Discouraged and afraid he's going to lose his job, Marty runs into a sleazy co-worker (Fred Armisen) at a bar who has had unusual success with Brussels sprouts. Marty buys him a drink, and Bill decides to help him out. He slides him a business card with the word BACON on it.
Marty meets up with the mysterious and creepy Bacon at his lavish pad, and Bacon promises to assist Marty with celery - in exchange for a night with his wife.
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As Marty sits on a bench at the "Willamette docks" agonizing over his decision, a member of the FBI plops down next to him and offers him another deal - and a bag of popcorn.
You'll have to watch the video to find out what happens next! (Unfortunately, there's no lesbian bookstore involved.)