Well, we've really gone and done it.
Officials announced today that the ocean is completely empty of life, and the source of the problem can be traced to the recent boom in poké restaurants in Los Angeles.
Poké, the Hawaiian-inspired, chopped-and-marinated raw fish salad that took L.A. by storm in the last few years, proved to be too popular for the planet to sustain, even though no one is entirely confident about how to pronounce it. The craze might have been manageable, were it not for how Instagram-friendly poké bowls are.
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"I don't even like raw tuna that much, but it gets so many likes," said Petunia Fryman, 22, a recent graduate of USC. "Photos of it definitely help me build my brand."
Los Angeles is recognized as the culinary capital of the United States, largely due to its voracious appetite for the rare and the undiscovered. Poké has the cachet of being a previously little-known Hawaiian dish, and it's low-fat and, when ordered without rice, low-carb. Angelenos could not resist the siren song of bowls of raw fish, but they took it too far. Officials estimate it will take about 100 years before the oceans are repopulated, using stock from inland fisheries. Perhaps our great-grandchildren will discover poké for themselves, this time within reason.
"Actually, can you guys chill out on carnitas, too?" asked one EPA representative. "There's like five pigs left in California."