Whether you're making plans for the holidays -- or for the end of the world -- Costco.com has you covered.
We're kind of worried that the folks at the big box store know something we don't, as the new seasonal catalogue has some sobering emergency food options. Are they trying to warn us that the fast-approaching Mayan doomsday scenario is the real deal?
Juxtaposed with the apocalypse-friendly survival stash, there are also some ridiculously extravagant holiday foods. Anybody want to spend $2,500 on Christmas candy? Costco's your place. There also are a couple of bizarre entrée choices for your festivities, such as one crazy Franken-bird and a "Gourmet Quail Pack."
So, we're trying to decide whether to freak out and go into survival mode -- or maybe, instead, host a holiday dinner party. Whichever way we go, these six items now on sale at Costco.com will come in handy. Turn the page.
Sale price $999.99 until Nov. 11
This package includes a variety of freeze-dried and dehydrated foods for one person for six months, plus water and cooking fuel. The shelf life of the different items ranges from 3 to 25 years. So even if disaster doesn't strike this December, down the road you can proclaim: "You know what? I'm not cooking for the next six months!" (We feel obligated to point out that for $1,000 you could fly to New York, see a show, and then dine somewhere special like Eleven Madison Park, which might be a nice experience to savor while waiting for the world to end.)
Sale price $349.99 until Nov. 11
Hey, just because life as you know it is over, that's no excuse to give up on your commitment to Meatless Mondays, especially when Costco makes it so easy. This package has 1,306 servings of dehydrated and freeze-dried vegetables. There are chopped onions, diced carrots, peas, corn, bell peppers, sweet potatoes, spinach and something the print catalogue calls "potato chunks broccoli" (although we suspect they forgot a comma in that one).
Sale price $39.99 until Nov. 11
If the words "food bucket" don't whet your appetite, nothing will. And, let's face it, macaroni is the ultimate comfort cuisine in a crisis. There are 270 servings (with a 20-year shelf life) in easy-to-open, zip-seal packages. It's described as "easily transportable," always a plus when you're preparing apocalypse pasta.
Sale price $2,499.99 until Nov. 11
Now this is our idea of an emergency food kit. We can't resist anything that combines candy and a pallet. The print catalogue states: "Includes 144 towers filled with delicious candies and sweets in a silver and red holiday tower." We don't quite get the whole towers within a tower theme, but who cares? Think of the possibilities! You can build a candy fortress and nibble at the walls!
Sale price $99.99 until Nov. 11
Nothing says happy holidays like a posh pigeon package. This one comes with eight apple raisin brioche-stuffed quail, plus 25 bacon-wrapped quail legs. At first we wondered if Costco was punking us, and that when we ordered, someone from PETA would show up at our door and tar and (faux) feather us. But the online pitch makes it clear that everyone involved is very serious about this offering, designed exclusively for Costco: "D'Artagnan partners with a 3rd generation family farm to raise Coturnix-breed quail, much sought after for its succulent, high-protein meat that is extremely lean, dark in color and rich in flavor. Our quail are raised humanely on natural, wholesome grains and never receive any antibiotics or hormones. We are proud to supply quail to the finest 4-star restaurants in the country, so you can be confident that you are eating the very best."
Sale price $64.99 until Nov. 11
Note: If you're vegan, you might not want to read this. This is Costco's version of a Turducken, an example of engastration, in which one animal is stuffed inside another: "This holiday dish begins with a partially deboned TURkey, leaving the legs and wings. It is then stuffed with deboned (DUC)k breast and boneless chick(HEN)en thigh meat and our homemade Cornbread & Pork Rice Dressing ..." Not sure what the future holds for us, but it's not looking too bright for turkeys, ducks and chickens.
And in somewhat related news:
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