Jamye WaxmanPour me another glass of red-a-licious goodness, because it's time for a syrah-bration. What you're hearing right now (listen closely) is the party in my pants. Yep, it's time to beak out the bubbly, because according to an Italian study out of the “Journal of Sexual Medicine,” sex goes better with wine.
The research, done out of the University of Florence in 2009 (because studies get better with age too), included interviews with 800 women between the ages of 21 and 69. Then the mostly white, 40ish women were split into three groups; each was determined by how much alcohol the women consumed.
The first group drank up to two glasses of wine per day. The second group consumed less than one glass of wine, or other alcohol, a day, and the third group? Let's say they wouldn't be the first girlfriends you'd invite to a weekend-long booze fest. In other words, teetotalers.
The study completely ignored women who drank more than two glasses of wine a day, calling them lushes! Winos! Or a combination of the two known as wino-licious slushy poos. In all actuality, what the researchers did say about those “more than two glasses” ladies was that they'd probably be too drunk to tell if they're orgasmically and organically aroused.
So, this is all exciting for those of us who like our wine, but not those of us who like to whine. However, it's not very exciting news for us who like to get drunk. And this got me thinking. What other foods are bad news when it comes getting aroused?
I'm talking about anti-aphrodisiacs – foods that leave you feeling full, bloated, stinky and otherwise not up for sexy time. The food, or drink, that makes you say no, you can't slip it in my ass tonight. A few thoughts after I pour myself a glass of wine.
……and I'm back…….
1. Garlic
Yeah, eat a few cloves of this and you're more likely to be covering your hand with your mouth than you are to be getting a hot beef injection (still my favorite phrase from “The Breakfast Club”).
I love garlic, I eat it by the clove – but only when I'm alone. If I'm not, I encourage my comrade to follow suit so we reek together. If I accidentally eat too much garlic any other time, I can rest assured that we won't be re-enacting the Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker light-saber scene, with my tongue, anytime soon. I guess that would be weird anyway, since Vader and Luke were family, but that's not the point. The point is garlic breath stinks.
2. Chili Cheese Fries
Duh. Beans are good for your heart, but we all know how the rest of that limerick goes. Farting isn't very sexy, even if queefing is. (At least queefing is funny and doesn't smell.) Seriously, there's nothing worse than one of those lactose-intolerant-deep-fried-grease farts. Next.
3. Bacon Double Cheeseburger.
If you're going to each chile cheese fries, let's explore what you can add to that pile-o-gas. Not only will this heart unhealthy meal make you feel bloated (the bacon, the meat, the cheese) but also meat makes jizz taste stronger and less appealing.
Double whopper yummy. Not.
4. Cabbage
Sure it's good for you, but not so good for making you feel sexy. And since this post isn't about cancer-saving vegetables – it's about sex and food – the fact that cabbage can cause digestive distress is the major downer of this otherwise good-for-you head-o-hard-lettuce.
Of course having sex with your cabbage, like Captain Fresh-fruit Mark Robbins did, brings cabbage to a whole other patch. Just don't get caught.
5. Milkshakes
My milkshake may bring all the boys to the yard, but milkshakes are not going to grant them easy entry when it comes to sex. Too much sugar can make a girl sleepy, and all that milk will make her tummy talk for hours.
Milk may do a body good, but it doesn't do much good for making you feel svelte and sex-appealy.
What foods make you less likely to want to have an orgasm?
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