Ali TrachtaWas it just us, or did Lisa Vanderpump's launch of SUR Lounge feel less like an upscale restaurant opening and more like a sorority formal afterparty gone wrong? There were ex-bffs at the door, “the other woman” serving drinks, girls getting drunk and tormenting friends with vibrators then locking themselves in the bathroom for no reason (so Kappa Kappa Gamma) and of course, sisters fighting.
All the blood, sweat and tears Lisa poured into her SUR expansion finally got its unveiling last night. The Beverly Hills glitterati, including all the Housewives and their beaus (save for Dana Wilkey — how did the party gal miss this big party? Oh right, nobody cares) showed up in their finest designer duds for what should have been a typical night of champagne sipping and name dropping.
But sur-prise! Things didn't go so smoothly.
First, Brandi Glanville pulled a cocktail off a tray only to notice that the gal passing them out used to bang her ex-husband Eddie Cibrian. Oooooo, now that's uncomfortable. Brandi had never met the girl, but had seen her on TV crying over losing her “boyfriend” to Leann Rimes. (Really, nobody-waitress-girl sleeping with a married man in Hollywood?) Lisa, being the class act she is, told the waitress it would be best if she left, to which the server replied, “Definitely, no problem. I totally understand.” Yeah we bet you do.
Cedric, looking so pleased to see everyone.; Credit: bravotv.com
The next curveball was the arrival of Cedric. Cedric? You remember — Lisa's “permanent houseguest” from last season who sponged off her and Ken for a handful of years only to spew hatred when they finally kicked him out at age 30 or whatever he was. The cajones on this guy! Not only did he show up, he gave Lisa the “why aren't you happy to see me?” eyes when she promptly kicked him out the door. What did he think was going to happen? That Lisa would say, “Come on in, Ced! We've so missed being leached off of! Have some pinot!”
While all this hoopla was going on, Kim was slowly but surely pulling herself together for the big night. Sort of. Kim and boyfriend Ken had rented a hotel room down the road in order to make party-going a little easier. This was K-squared taking it easy? Considering they were there only one night, the room looked like a bomb hit it. Kim was surrounded by dozens of shoes and a mess of clothes, and more beauty products than are backstage at a Miss America pageant. And of course, she couldn't find anything.
Ken eventually hustled her out the door and got her in the limo, at which time she became obsessed with pressing all the control buttons and scavenging garbage. She also couldn't keep her bra on.
Kim, a hot mess in the limo.; Credit: bravotv.com
When Kim finally arrived, the first thing she did was break out a vibrator and attack her manager with it. “Ew, Kim!!! You better not have used that!” her manager shrieked. To which Kim replied, “I brought it with me to use it later.” Right. Because that's an appropriate response. It also may explain why Kim locked herself in the bathroom for half an hour.
Of course, Kim and Kyle, who hadn't seen each other since Hawaii, had it out once again. Kim told her sister she was leaving Ken; that she was “all packed.” (Is it us, or has Kim been packing for the last 16 weeks?) She said Ken was verbally abusive and she'd made a mistake moving in with him — something that came as no surprise to Kyle. But Kyle didn't go the smug “I told you so” route. She was there for Kim, saying she just wanted her to be happy. Even though Kim was still mad at her for the debacle in Hawaii, she didn't care. Eventually Mauricio and Ken busted up the teary conversation, which clearly wasn't over. Still, in an unmistakable sign of peace in girl world, Kim pulled out a lip gloss, used it, then offered it to Kyle, who took the sticky olive branch and used it too. Things were looking up in sisterville.
Last to show up was Taylor, who brought her therapist along for moral support. She sat her fellow Housewives down (only the full-fledged, not the Fringewives. Kim was there but her head kept bobbing so she bailed) to explain that she had in fact finally left Russell, and that she was sorry for having dragged them into her troubled life.
Lisa and Kyle received Taylor with open arms, but Adrienne was kind of a huge bitch about it. (Yeah, we said it.) Adrienne, still “confused” as to why Taylor would go back to a man who hit her, had blinders on to the fact that it's a classic cycle of domestic abuse. C'mon, Adrienne. Taylor is sitting there with a mountain of cover-up on her black eye and you're really going to hassle her about this?
Sisterhood!; Credit: bravotv.com
But in the end, all friendships were mended, and the ladies came together in a big hand hug and yelled “gooooooooo Housewives!!!” Ok, that didn't happen. But we were half expecting it from the drunken sorority rush that was this party.
Next week we have to sit through Pandora's fairy princess wedding. Uuuuuugh. We kind of hope Cedric shows up to this thing too.
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