Shea SerranoI wish I were smarter. Were I a Stephen Hawking or a Marie Curie (or even Master Splinter) I'd be able to explain how Twitter is the unedited consciousness of young America, how it is simultaneously vitriolic and beautiful, how maybe no form of social media has before, or ever will, function as perfectly to connect us digitally and remove us physically.
But I'm not, so I'll just explain that, a week ago, while piddling around on Twitter I watched some fool attempt to argue that “The Crystal Ship” by The Doors is the greatest song ever conceived. (Horseshit, obvs. It's not even the best Doors song, let alone THE GREATEST SONG EVER.) I don't know why he was doing it, I only know it means there can't be a God because God would've immediately given him exploding eyeballs or something. In any case, I next poked around Twitter's search function to see what other sorts of nonsense was being argued as the “best song ever.” Here are the first 25 that came up.
Some Ladies In A Trailer, “The Shocker Song”
What It Is: Some maybe country singer singing about someone sticking a finger in her butthole. For real. Some quotes: “I'll squirt you like a water gun”; “Toss my salad 'til the cows come home”; “Slip the shocker to me”; “Penetrate me with your peepee.”
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 18 percent
The Osmonds, “Crazy Horses”
What It Is: Rock music from a group of family members. Two or three Christmases ago, we had Rock Band at my house. The family was playing. That shit was so ill. My Uncle Brian was singing while wearing a leather jacket. He looked like Fat Danny Zuko. The best.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 16 percent
Wonder Girls, “Tell Me”
What It Is: Pop music from a South Korean all girl group. I'm not sure if it's good because it's new to my brain or if it's good because it's good. I guess sometimes those things are the same anyway.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 11 percent
Rush, “Tom Sawyer”
What It Is: The one rock band that makes you think that maybe Canada has its shit together. Also, it's the song that my dad used to play every Saturday as part of his “clean the house” mix.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 19 percent
D-Pryde, “Bottom Dollar”
What It Is: A friendly rapper/singer from Canada that makes you reconsider them having their shit together. I mean, he says, “I just wanna cuddle your butt” in it.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 0.8 percent.
Boys II Men, “End of the Road”
What It Is: Motown Philly, back again. You already know. #BringBackB2M
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 16 percent
God(?), “God Bless America”
What It Is: That song they sing at baseball games that's not “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 32 percent
PewDiePie, “Synchronize Dance”
What It Is: Internet throw-up.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 0.4 percent (or 98 percent; one of those)
Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift, [not yet recorded]
What It Is: Not even made yet and people are saying it's “the best song ever.” Figure that shit out.
Likelihood That It Will Be The Best Song Ever: -9 percent
Justin Bieber, “As Long As You Love Me”
What It Is:
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 73* percent. (*The only reason it's that high is because it has goddamn Michael Madsen delivering a monologue at the beginning of the video and he is 100000000xCOOL.)
Olly Murs, “Dance With Me Tonight”
What It Is: Thumpy English pop that might even be doo-wop. It's actually pretty good. I think we can call off the White Bruno Mars search party.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 6 percent
Timon and Pumba, “Hakuna Matata”
What It Is: The precedent for Tupac and Snoop's “2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted.”
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 25 percent
Akon, “Bananza”
What It Is: It's Akon and Akon is Akon.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 4 percent (It's actually pretty catchy, so yeah)
A Guy That Screams, “Spongebob's Theme Song”
What It Is: The theme song from a cartoon.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: Fuck you percent
Evanescence, “My Immortal”
What It Is: Emotional American stadium rock. Maybe Canada ain't so terrible after all.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 2 percent.
R. Kelly, “Ignition”
What It Is: The song that Dave Chappelle used as the source material to stall R. Kelly's career momentarily.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 31 percent
Eminem, “Stan”
What It Is: Ironic that someone would be touting a song about obsessive fans as the best song ever.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 9 percent
Justin Bieber, “Turn To You”
What It Is: Young Bieber was the only person to show up twice on this list. [fart noises]
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 1 percent (You see here how Michael Madsen swells these scores. Had be been on R. Kelly's “Ignition” that shit would've been a wrap.)
Nickelback, “If Today Was Your Last Day”
What It Is: You fuckers will just say anything, won't you.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 2 percent
Of Monsters and Men, “Little Talks”
What It Is: Icelandic indie-pop, playa. Quirky on a hundred thousand trillion.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 11 percent.
Hannah Nash, “Skater Boi”
What It Is: ???
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: Wasn't on YouTube. Disqualified.
Flux Pavillion, “Cracks (Remix)”
What It Is: EDM
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 0.3 percent
Separuh Aku, “Noah”
What It Is: I'm not certain. It looks sad though (there's a broken picture frame in the video, yo), so points for that.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 8 percent
Coldplay, “In My Place”
What It Is: A song that we'll all say is weaksauce but then secretly devour.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 13 percent
Ke$ha, “We R Who We R”
What It Is: What is it? WHAT IS IT? De veras, guey? It's trash-pop — gorgeous beautiful trash-pop — and definitely without question the best song that's ever been made. I'm saying, she rhymes “dumb” with “numb” with “young.” That's some Nas ghostwriter stuff, yo. Plus, she has a dollar sign in her name, blue lips and jewels on her eyebrows. Look at your own eyebrows. How many jewels are there? None.
Likelihood That It's The Best Song Ever: 100 percent
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