The Lords don’t leap as well they used to. Even if defenders triple-team the pear tree, Kobe refuses to pass the partridge. No pipers are piping, unless you count Jeremy Lin paraphrasing Das Kapital in this recent post-game interview. No turtle doves either — only inordinately Swaggy ninja turtles.
If you translate the Lakers 9-19 season into Christmas metaphors, the Lakers are the lumps of the coal in a Neiman Marcus stocking, frigid shooters exhibiting the defensive mobility of snowmen—at least when Kobe’s on the floor. He’s three sips of Vino away from covering the locker room with Charmin toilet paper and calling it a motivational present.
Every night at Staples Center, a different ghost of Showtime past haunts the franchise. The once-unflappable James Worthy has been reduced to skipping around Time Warner's studio and chanting Swag like the baldest member of Odd Future. On ESPN, Magic Johnson publicly urges the team to tank at levels unseen outside of Philadelphia. Byron Scott treats Kobe with such adoration that he’ll be sprinkling frankincense and myrrh around his locker before Thursday’s match-up with the Chicago Bulls.
But unless No. 24 lumbers to the Christmas tree tomorrow morning to find age-defying potions, this season is unsalvageable. Still, that’s no reason to turn your back on the franchise of Kareem and Wilt, Shaq and Smush Parker even as your favorite team gets ransacked by Pau Gasol and his elves. With the holiday spirit sweeping us, it’s only right to offer a guide to the ideal gift for this season’s Lakers team and the fans.
-Four ancient and rare terra cotta warrior statues from China, to be the silent, military-minded, and non-shooting teammates he’s always dreamed of.
-A first-edition copy of Ayn Rand’s,The Fountainhead.
-A team of North Korean hackers to hack into every advanced analytics website whose numbers show that the Lakers are better without Kobe on the floor.
-An NRA Membership and a subscription to Guns N’ Ammo magazine, because there’s nothing he enjoys more than shooting.
-A copy of the only children's book that can increase his 0.8 assists per game average (see below).
-A Metal Detector so he can find the rim with his jump shot.
-Oil for his tin man post moves.
-A one-off Private Dance Lesson And Vine Tutorial from Bobby Shmurda.
So this awkwardness:
Can become #viral smoothness:
-The full four-volume installment of Joe Budden’s Mood Muzik – in MP3, burned CD-R, and dubbed cassette tape.
-The ideal gift for the power forward who presents a rugged and tattooed face to the world, but softly weeps after games in which he doesn’t start:
A MADD-certified breathalyzer because: “When You Booze, You Lose.”
-A copy of "Where’s Clarkson"– it’s just like “Where’s Waldo,” except you have to find out what part of the bench he’s buried.
-A Pop-A-Shot – So he can take all the game winners he wants.
-And a framed illustration of Proverbs 5:
“For the lips of a strange woman drop as a honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil.
But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell.”
(The illustration will portray Kobe and his wife snuggling).
-A plush ottoman so he can sit down and get comfy while shooting his set shots.
-Now That’s What I Call Crunk! Volumes 1-4 (The Ying Yang Years).
-A Gift Certificate to the LonelyPlanet.com (to be cashed in only after the trade deadline)
For the team’s most consistent but mildly dull player:
-A 6 CD Changer from the Sharper Image (gift receipt Included).
-A heated fog-free shower mirror.
-A DVD copy of Ed, the 1996 Matt Leblanc and a monkey vehicle (for tips on how to play for a minor league team).
-Bambi on Blu-Ray DVD –for the man with the coordination of Bambi on Ice.
-An Ancient Egyptian Eye of Horus for protection, royal power, good health, and to protect him from the Laker curse.
Coach Byron Scott:
-A prescription of Gob Bluth’s Forget-Me Nows.
-A copy of “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep – Love.” (For his Kobe “feelings.”)
-A gift bundle, Playskool’s My First Collective Bargaining Agreement and “NBA 2K15.” So he can offer Kobe $40 a year with no real-life repercussions!
Gift Suggestions for the Lakers Fan in Your Life:
-Kobe Brand Body Armour Hemlock.
-A VHS of Carlos Boozer’s best Pushing Fouls.
-Steve Nash Edition LifeAlert (“I carried my bag the wrong way and I can’t get up, but I can collect my $9.3 millon check.")
-Kobe Bryant Earplugs (“Perfect for tuning out your senile teammates”).
-Lakers Edition Jenga: Each block is labeled with a key attribute of winning teams; when you continually remove them, the whole thing crumbles, much like the Lakers season.
-Swaggy P paper dolls, ideal for your Instagram icon-to-be toddler. Collect the four below: Swaggy Captain American, Westswag Connection, Young Michael Jackswag, and Swaggy Rambo!
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-Bartlett's Familiar Swaggy P Quotations, including:
“Call Me IDM – I don’t Miss;” “Some guys played Like Django Unchained tonight. They were free;” “Tell [Kobe] to take the backseat for a little bit. He can be 'Driving Miss Daisy' and I can be Miss Daisy and drive." “Thanks to Swaggy, everyone is Swaggy out there on the court.”