Brace yourselves, dear readers of London: Grindr is crashing. And just in time for hot Olympic man meat wandering the city. Conspiracy? Probably not.
For those not in the know, Grindr is an app that instantly connects men looking (mostly) for anonymous hookups with other men. Grindr made headlines instantly upon debut in 2009. You browse local men, tap on their picture to read a profile and then decide to chat and / or share locations. Think of it as a 21st Century digital bathhouse. In layman's terms, it's a penile GPS system. A parallel service, Blendr, is for general audiences.
In London, a sudden influx of new users on the hunt busted Grindr. East London was particularly affected. Here's the punch line, though: The crash happened almost immediately after the teams arrived. Whether cosmopolitan Bay Area men craving fresh meat or the Saudi men's team looking to let their freak flag fly matters not. What matters is, they're all out of luck, because there's no Grindr for anyone now.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Approximately four million people use Grindr. While the app is based out of the United States, it is popular worldwide, nowhere more so than in London. The Smoke boasts 350,000 registered users, making it Grindr's top city. Just in case you plan to be there some time when the network isn't crashing like the Hindenberg.
This is nothing new for Grindr, which is notorious for crashing for hours on end. But it's certainly a blight on the proud tradition of the Olympics, meant to bring men together regardless of race or creed, united in admiration of regally cut bodies honed to the peak of physical perfection.
Someone fetch us a glass of ice water, please.
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From our fair city of Los Angeles, Grindr guru Joel Simkhai offered his condolences. "I know it was frustrating, said Simkhai, "I was frustrated myself." Come on, Joel. A rich, handsome man such as yourself should never be "frustrated" -- not with apps like Grindr promising to bring men "Zero Feet Away." He continued, stating that, "I also rely on Grindr in my day-to-day personal life. It made me feel disconnected."
Jeez, doesn't this guy know where Hollywood Spa is?
Yuks aside, there is an interesting question emanating from the logic of the Grindr crash. If the app crashed because of an influx of men looking for sex with men to the city and these men can no longer cruise 21st Century style, what will this do to the overall "take" of the Olympics? Will men resort to more primitive methods, such as gay bars? Will they simply stay at home and enjoy all the man-on-man action Internet porn, adult chat rooms and Craigslist have to offer?
Grindr certainly makes it easier to get "Zero Feet Away," and takes a lot of the guesswork out of random hookups. What methods Grindr users will resort to and how long it will take to repair the damage remains to be seen. Good luck, London.