If you read gossip blogs during lunch breaks or watch 24-hour news channels while panting on the treadmill, then you're up to date on the recent travails of child-star turned train wreck Lindsay Lohan.
Two weeks ago, we all learned of a particularly lucrative - $1 million to be exact - business proposal currently on her (and her people's) radar. And an exclusive interview with the brains behind the idea revealed to AfterDarkLA that Lohan hasn't flat refused, which means the offer's still on the table.
[Insert frat guy fist pump here.]
Lohan already agreed to pose full frontal for Playboy Magazine, having just completed a second photoshoot after the first left Hugh Hefner wanting less Kate Moss and more Marilyn Monroe.
(We read that as less cracked out, more glamorous. With boobs.)
So with Ms. Lohan's openness to show the goods that, until this year, were only visible via paparazzi upskirt shots, the owners of one of the industry's most prevalent sex toy designers established a plan: Let men take home their favorite part of their favorite female celebs by immortalizing their nether regions and encasing them in plastic sheaths.
Meet Interactive Life Forms, the company responsible for those mutant monster masturbatory devices we shared with you last month. Their flagship product, The Fleshlight, remains one of the top selling sex toys for men on the market.
It's a soft, lifelike anus, vagina or mouth sheathed in a plastic container shaped like (duh) a flashlight. Put on the cap and leave it on your bookshelf without a roommate, family member, or offspring batting a curious eyelash. Take off the cap, squirt on some lube, and stick your dick into the surprisingly tight orifice for a remarkably enjoyable self-love experience. Win-win situation.
And now the company's looking to branch out into Hollywood. Cuz why not, right?
Interactive Life Forms already has a line of Fleshlights featuring vaginas molded after some of the adult industry's most popular porn starlets. In an intricate process, each girl's labia majora, labia minora, and other unique dangly bits are carefully replicated and sold in fake flashlight form for about $60 a pop.
Now CEO Brian Shubin tells us they're working on a celebrity line and Lohan is their first target. And there's a check for $1 million waiting for her to say yes.
"What has been presented to her is an incredible offer, something we have never done before," Shubin said. "It brings great opportunity, far beyond the monetary offer we have presented. This isn't a stunt; this is a future goal of the company. We know it will be important to launch with a high profile figure who will support their Fleshlight and promote it accordingly."
And Shubin hopes Lohan will be that high profile figure. There apparently have been a handful of celebrities (we're guessing ladies from the lower end of the Tinseltown totem pole) who've approached Interactive Life Forms with open minds/legs, but they haven't yet found "the one."
But how does covering a vagina with plaster and turning it into a fuckable sex toy do anything positive for a pseudo-celebrity's public persona? Shubin says that in this day and age, showing one's cards via sex tapes, porn films, and not-so-accidental upskirt photos causes the kind of stir that can lead to lucrative endorsement deals. It ends up doing more good than harm.
"If someone had told you, back in the 80s and early 90s, that mainstream celebrities would perform in sex tapes, and not only maintain their mainstream exposure and contracts, but gain from these films, you would have called that person ridiculous," Shubin said. "That said, there will be a mainstream celebrity who looks at the opportunity to work with Fleshlight as incredible opportunity for their brand. It's not if, but when."
This confidence appears authentic, as Shubin and his team wait patiently with their legal team for Lohan - or whoever their next target may be - to sign on the dotted line. The Fleshlight Celebs collection is already an official brand.
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But will having a series of Fleshlights devoted to famous women's vulvas be taken seriously by society? Rap stars, rock 'n' rollers, and other male figures in the public eye already have jumped on the sex toy train by associating themselves with dildos and vibrating things and it seems to be going OK.
Even guitarist and "Celebrity Rehab" star Phil Varone just signed a deal to have his cock immortalized and turned into a dildo. But where showing the world how girthy and long your dick is can provide serious street cred, does revealing how far the inner lips extend from the outer offer a woman much of the same?
"Our society certainly treats men and women differently, especially when it comes to the selling of sexuality," Shubin said. "Fleshlight promotes men and women with class and sophistication. We hold ourselves to an atypical standard in the adult arena. Fleshlight has formed great relationships with all of the public figures we have worked with. We take incredible pride in what we do and we stand behind everything we create, promote, and distribute."
OK. We'll believe when we see it. And if we really do see it - "it" being the Lohan Fleshlight - we owe more than a few people a stiff drink.