Updated after the jump: Hef squeezes out a sad, sad Tweet. (Breakup confirmed.)
Egads! Say it ain't so, TMZ: "Our sources -- who are all at the mansion -- say Crystal and Hef had a nasty argument this weekend on the phone. When the dust settled Crystal decided to 86 the nuptials and quickly moved her stuff out." So, this Saturday's wedding at the Playboy Mansion, with all its promised balloon boobs and grotto germs, is a no-go. (We can hear Holly Madison cackling from here.)
BTW: Knew there was something sneaky about that Crystal Harris broad! All Hugh asks is a nice busty lady to settle down with, all cozy and Tweeting from their iPads 'front the Mansion hearth, and what does he get in return?
Some ungrateful publicity whore with plastic tits and a naughty streak of "Runaway Bride." Hmph. We bet she doesn't even love him! Not even enough to wait for the will!
Strangely, though, Harris Tweeted the following comedy sketch just two hours ago:
OK, in all seriousness, if TMZ has its facts straight... we don't really blame the girl. One can only pop Valium and pretend an 85-year-old lover is satisfying her 23-year-old libido for so long. But Harris' little career takeoff (if you could call it that) is somewhat suspiciously timed, no?
She's been repping "Club Queen" all week -- including at the West Hollywood Gay Pride Parade, where she convinced some poor cameraman to film all the schwasted homos reluctantly screaming "I love Club Queen!'" into his lens. Awkward:
If we can learn anything from Heidi Montag, let us learn that the masses will soon tire of mocking your terrible single after a couple weeks, and you'll be back in the hole, with no sugar daddy in sight.
At least there's always the reality-show route!
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Update: Looks like Hef is indeed a single man again: