Dec. 13 -- the last day Four Loko will exist in its original brilliance, before its makers extract all the shit that makes it worth the hangover -- is approaching like a bullet train with caffeinated alcopop for diesel. Here's what you've missed so far in the official LA Weekly countdown:
Today, from the Howcast video headquarters, comes "How to Drink Four Loko Responsibly," which is hilariously out-of-touch and generally not to be trusted for reasons we shouldn't have to explain. Watch at your own risk:
In case you're in a public library/cubicle and can't watch the ultimate crazy-killer with sound, we'll give you a short rundown.
The video begins by providing your essential list of ingredients, per say, for a safe yet still perfectly Loko holiday. Which is like asking us to go ahead and put up twinkly lights but not near the roof or a tree or anything.
You will need:
High-carb or fatty foods
Seltzer water, juice, and soda
The whole hokey package is presented in kid-friendly neons and pop-up word bubbles with a weak spin-class beat, which should be your first clue as to the hidden agenda behind mysterious vid-maker Nardeep Khurmi, who is probably our mom posing as an enthusiastic young film student.
The video goes on to remind us of a few uncomfortable facts, like how many calories are in one can of Four Loko (not cool, man), and -- even more uncomfortably -- give tips like "don't feel pressure to consume the entire can."
To that, Sir Khurmi (or Mom, if you're out there), we can only respond with a blank stare, .
Are you trying to ruin the last week of all-out Loko anarchy? Wasting even a dewdrop of the magical inebriator at this point is not only unthoughtful, it's economically retarded. Haven't you heard? Watermelons are going for like nine bucks in Hollywood!
From there, the plot thickens:
"If you crave the fruity Four Loko taste but are worried about its potency, try serving it on ice, diluting it with soda, seltzer water or juice."
The "fruity Four Loko" taste? You mean dingleberry bug spray with a zest of meth crystal?
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To that, we watch a suspiciously old-looking "teen" fashion a "Four-mosa" -- equal parts Loko and OJ, with a lime for garnish. AND THEN SHE WINKS.
At this point, we're pretty sure the FDA put some kids in the high-school Square Club up to this (because there needed to be some young people in the video for it to be feasible). Either that, or Khurmi/Mom was trying to net maximum hits by posting something that would come up in a Google search for "Four Loko."
Come on. Who does that?
Anyway, let us take this valuable lesson away from Day Five: Don't, under any circumstances, let the Square Club tell you how to Loke. Because you never know; it could be your last.