Ranter: Teensy and furious fifty-something woman whose accent suggests the West Indies
Location: 720 Bus, headed west on Wilshire
Time: 3 p.m. on a Monday
Topics Covered: Whether no response to a question can be considered an answer; the tendency of white people to lie; abortion as solution to disputes of seat etiquette; the rules regarding those seats at the front of the bus; ways to be sure that someone remembers you.
Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: Dear God, yes
[A woman leaning on a cane boards bus and asks if she may sit in the open seat beside our Teensy & Furious Ranter. After receiving no answer, the woman with the cane takes the seat.]
Teensy & Furious Ranter: I did not say you can sit!
Woman With Cane: You made no objection -
Teensy & Furious: Do not speak to me, white lady! Twenty years I have listened to white lies, and I will not any more! No! Do not look at me with your eyes! You ask and then you take! You take even before you are told you can have! You can not do it to me again!
Woman With Cane: These seats are reserved for -
Teensy & Furious: No more of your white lies! Your mother is a bitch! She should have had an abortion before your first lie! You take, take always! You take what you want and say it is what you need!
Concerned Fellow Three Seats Back: She's handicapped! That's what the seat is for!
[Teensy & Furious rages up from her seat and into the face of Concerned Fellow. Even seated, he is tall enough that she has to stare upwards. She glares, panting, and ten seconds pass.]
Teensy & Furious: I know your face now. This I will not be forgetting.
Concerned Fellow: She has trouble walking . . .
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Teensy & Furious: But you have no trouble lying!
[Teensy & Furious brings her face within inches of Concerned Fellow.]
Teensy & Furious: I spit on you, so that you remember. No more of your lies!
[Seconds pass, and she does not spit. The bus stops and starts again. Woman With Cane has not moved from her seat and now pretends to read a Sophie Kinsella novel.]