5 Signs Tom Cruise Is Gay

Folks are buzzing once again about Tom Cruise's sexuality following his reported divorce from Katie Holmes, which he's on the record saying she initiated.

We're not saying Tom Cruise is gay. In fact, we're saying he's not. That's official. He's been married three times — to some of Hollywood's sexiest women.

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But if he were gay — and, again, we're saying he's not, people! — here would be five signs pointing the way:

5. Tighty whities: Sure, Tom is America's top action hero who has not yet been a governor of California. He breaks necks, climbs walls and operates complex machinery. But what kind of breakout role is it when the most memorable scene has you dancing in your underwear? Cruise's big-box-office debut in Risky Business was the most homoerotic coming out for a Hollywood A-lister ever.

'Mission Impossible II.'
'Mission Impossible II.'
Paramount Pictures

4. He's super fit: This reason should really be No. 1, because it's the one y'all think of when you see Tom Cruise on-screen. He's petite (shorter than his last two wives, it seems), skinny and rock-hard. Now what 50-year-old guy is in that kind of shape? Heck, we don't know too many 40-year-old guys who are in that kind of shape. And the ones we do? Gay. Yeah, we said it. Straight guys get fat the minute they get married or hit 35. The rest? They're either still searching for Mrs. Right or ... Mr. Right.

The way we were.
The way we were.

3. Scientology: OK, first things first. Scientologists, please don't creep out on us, sue, send letters or stalk us. We're just reporting what others have said here, mainly the unproven theories/allegations that some celebrities join the church either because they're gay and have been offered Scientology's famous homosexual-curing therapies or because the church has dirt on them and has forced them into total submission. Allegedly. (Emphasis ours.)

Tom Cruise reportedly didn't want to hit that.
Tom Cruise reportedly didn't want to hit that.

2. Mimi Rogers: Cruise's first wife reportedly said later that their divorce was the result of a lack of sex. Really. Now, hear us out: Straight guys usually like to have sex, especially with hot Hollywood actresses. Gay men, on the other head hand, not so much. Rogers reportedly said that Cruise told her he needed to be celibate because he "was seriously thinking of becoming a monk" and had to "maintain the purity of his instrument." Yeah.

1. Family Guy: We're not sure about you, but when we check our facts, we go straight to the source for all that is just in the world, Fox's Family Guy, which tells us that Mexican kids like to play with ball-in-a-cup toys, guys drink beer with each other every night, and Renée Zellweger is ugly. It's also taught us that Tom Cruise is gay. Very gay. In one telling episode, Katie Holmes' ankle-tracking device malfunctions, she screams, "I'm free," and she unleashes a cage full of hunks being held captive. If you're waiting for Cruise's lawsuit to drop, remember that Family Guy is protected under free speech rights. It's a parody. They're making fun.

So are we.

[@dennisjromero / djromero@laweekly.com / @LAWeeklyNews]