"My Name Is Joe Biden and I'll Be Your Server"

It is difficult to capture the hyper-sincere flim-flammery that is our good ol' crazy Uncle Joe. Doesn't he seem like the kind of well-meaning yet obtuse relative who'd ask you to reach into his pocket for some sticky gumdrops covered with lint?

Like someone on the autism spectrum, Vice President Joe Biden has no verbal filter, making what comes out of his mouth often shocking yet (sometimes) somehow endearing. Remember how he told his largely black audience in Virginia in August that Romney is “Gonna put y'all back in chains”? Or what about when he said in April, “I promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you.” LOL, Joe. LOL.

And of course, we love how he has a tendency to drop F-bombs near live mics. (Maybe we'll hear one tonight when he debates that Catholic guy from Wisconsin? Can't wait.)

But New Yorker writer Bill Barol has done an amazing job of mimicking that unintentionally comical conundrum in this Oct. 1 “Shouts & Murmurs” column, in which he imagines Biden as a waiter in a chain restaurant speaking to a table of customers.

Folks, when I was six years old my dad came to me one night. My dad was a car guy. Hard worker, decent guy. Hadn't had an easy life. He climbed the stairs to my room one night and he sat on the edge of my bed and he said to me, he said, “Champ, your mom worked hard on that dinner tonight. She worked hard on it. She literally worked on it for hours. And when you and your brothers told her you didn't like it, you know what, Joey? That hurt her. It hurt.” And I felt (lowers voice to a husky whisper) ashamed. Because lemme tell you something. He was right. My dad was right. My mom worked hard on that dinner, and it was delicious. Almost as delicious as our Chicken Fontina Quesadilla with Garlicky Guacamole. That's our special appetizer tonight. It's the special. It's the special. (His voice rising) And the chef worked hard on it, just like my mom, God love her, and if you believe in the chef's values of hard work and creative spicing you should order it, although if you don't like chicken we can substitute shrimp for a small upcharge.

Read the whole piece: “My Name is Joe Biden and I'll Be Your Server.”

And check out the Italian food-loving veep's recipe for pasta Caprese here.

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