By Sophia Kercher
A man in a pink suit with a hair-metal wig and matching 'stache struts on stage, badly mouthing the words to an '80s jam. But before he swaggers off -- bam! -- pink-suit-dude rips off his pants and out pops a five-foot-long elephant dick. Ladies and gents, this was just the beginning of the Lip-Synch Big Stink contest at the Mountain Bar in Chinatown on December 20, presented by Party Scammers (the same folks who brought us the Rock Paper Scissors Rumble).
Hosted by the freakishly blessed Chaz, a.k.a comedian Ryan Flynn, judges of the raunchy and raucous contest were Stones Throw Records' Dam-Funk, the lovely Liz from Love Grenades and comedian DJ Douggpound.
While the audience was still recovering from Chaz whipping around his, um,
member, he whizzed faux-cum into the crowd. Next, he produced a bag of "snow" and poured it all over his blondie co-host's chest before face-planting into her bosom.
Chaz was a hard act to follow. A big dude sporting neon glasses and a fugly sweater stepped to the mic, embracing a pink kitten puppet who served as his back-up singer. He gave a forgettable performance despite his rad dreads.
Next up, a sauced up Santa took the stage. He was my top pick because earlier at the bar I asked, "Did you rent the costume?" He puffed, "No I own this. This is mine!"
Plus, he promised me presents. Too bad for boozy Mr. Clause because he fumbled over mouthing the words and the judges weren't favorable, even after he made snow-angels in the mess of Chaz's leftover fake-cocaine.
The third guy, looking not a day over 14, lip-synched with as much skill as Britney and swiveled his hips like Michael Jackson. I thought the kid would steal the show until DJ Douggpound stormed the stage and made the bizzaro techno song a duet, automatically disqualifying the little guy.
The final act stepped cooly onstage in full jazzy snowman-like regalia, proclaiming herself "Mr. Snow" and along with her frenemy, the equally decked out "Mr. Green Christmas," performed with an expertise that would make Milli Vanilli proud. The holiday duo easily won over the judges and swept up the cash prize of 100 bones, but as they went to claim their reward they had to duck Chaz's last wiggles and sprays of baby gravy, naturally.
Our only Christmas wish? For the show to go on longer.