One of the most common complaints I hear from my female friends is that they always seem to fall for "assholes." Quite mistakenly, they ask for advice on how to remedy this situation and the ensuing conversation inevitably leads to elliptical arguments about how maybe they should stop liking guys that are assholes. However, had I re-watched the video for Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract" at any point during the last two decades, I would've quickly been able to point out how Paula Abdul's dysfunctional relationship with MC Skat Kat, eerily mirrored their own romantic woes. Of course, I'm sure there are plenty of girls who like perfectly nice guys. Apparently, I'm just not friends with any of them.
1. He Parties All Night.
Poor Paula Abdul. So naive. There she she is, dashing up the stairs in high heels, wildly enamored with her animated furry love and all MC Skat Kat can do is try to lift up her skirt. But being the trusting Paula Abdul that she was, she erroneously believes MC Skat Kat's lies about his skirt-chasing, in spite of his avowed penchant for carousing (yes, carousing). Wake up woman. He's a world-famous rapping feline. Sure, opposites might attract. But on all those nights that "you go to bed early," believe you me he's out chasing tail. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
2. He Associates Himself With Riff-Raff
If the old cliche about judging a man by the company he keeps is true, Abdul shouldn't be surprised by Skat Kat's avowed preferences for the "fast-lane lifestyle." How can she have noticed the seedy hooligans that he surrounds himself with and not realized instantly that the relationship was doomed to failure? I don't like the looks of that mouse one bit and I've made my thoughts clear about guys in fedoras and ironic day-glo orange shirts a few times too many; to say nothing of the two-bit floozies that Skat Kat includes as the token female members of his posse. Suffice to say ladies, if your man rolls with vermin, pink-haired hussies and questionably gay beefcake leather types, don't be surprised it he turns out to be a
3. He's Got A Temper
Maybe if Abdul had even take the time to listen to her beau's solo album, she would've noticed a song called "I Go Crazy," a harrowing, perilous descent into madness. If you want to avoid dating assholes, pay attention to the little signs. If your man is writing first-person confessionals about his inner turmoil and rage, don't be surprised when he lashes out at you. Sure, when things are good, they're great, but relationships aren't all tap-dancing on rooftops and wearing sunglasses at night. Indeed, Abdul's Florence Nightingale complex might have led her to attempt to salve Skat Kat's myriad psychic wounds, but there was no healing the turbulent riot of his soul.
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4. He's a Smoker
Another reason why girls fall for assholes is that they feel the need to change their man, they just know that with time, love and patience they will be able to cure him of all his bad habits. Right? Wrong. Abdul seems intrigued by the cool, aloof air that Skat Kat strikes when he lights up a cigarette, maybe she even subscribes to the Chander Bing school of "smoking is cool and you know it," but deep down, she's waiting for the moment, when she can say, "y'know what, MC Skat Kat, I think it's time you stopped smoking." But that's wrong Paula Abdul. If you don't like to smoke, find yourself a non-smoker, don't try to kill all of Skat Kat's fun. Like Rakim said, "Know the ledge."
5. He's Always Broke
To be honest, this part of the song is probably a lie. Though Abdul tries to claim that "she's got the money and he's always broke," Skat Kat's rapping and hustling career would certainly indicate that he's got crazy cheddar (if you are to believe Young Jeezy). Moreover, Skat Kat is exonerated by the fact that Abdul is a Jewish girl from the Valley and thus would be banished from the tribe for dating anyone who was constantly indigent.